I Hate This Month

[ You don't have to read everything. You can just read the things in bold. But that'd be more helpful if you'd read everything. ]

[ Don't move my thread to the school section please. I'm having more of an anxiety problem. ]

The month where Summer comes to an end and all that worry comes back.

I can't survive alone. Humans do not survive alone. I'm going to need help.

I'm going to need help with the last year left. I don't want to go back to school.

• I'm not concerned about the work involved. My thoughts have been invalidated by people who thought I was complaining about too much work.

• I am a little bit concerned about the learning. I'm not very smart with what is taught.

• I'm very concerned about the people. Everyone is really disrespectful. They simply don't care.

• One of the biggest problems is the place is too similar to a prison. There's nothing to be learnt. You're just kept there until you do your time. You can't go to the bathroom. There's overcrowding. Recently, there's been an abundance of danger. You're not allowed to do anything else but work on the useless tasks.

I think my biggest problem is terrible memories from childhood.

[ You don't have to read the part here. ]

[ Start ]

Each teacher at some point would insult me and be frustated with me for stupid reasons. I was called slow and stupid. There was one teacher who said I don't have time for your stupidity. I was traumatized by one who screamed at me for a little mistake.

Kids would point out things that don't matter and don't make sense. More than once I've been told I looked like a man. I was thrown objects and constantly ignored and insulted.

I was a happy child until I got there. I grew social anxiety during my childhood. I had no buddies and family memebers didn't understand so there was no support to help out. I became a mute. I didn't speak unless I needed to. But barely. I started to feel depressed.

But then one year a teacher got a bright idea that everyone should respond the same way to every situation. She saw one kid that was so shy but then kept doing speaking - stuff and then was suddenly so talkative. She assumed everyone must be like that. The problem was that I wasn't shy. I was traumatized and scared. Talking more wouldn't have helped me. I was proved right. She kept forcing me to read out - loud along with more speaking to the whole room things. Most of the kids were insulting to where the teacher couldn't hear. But you can see their little faces laughing. I became severely depressed. Eventually I wanted to die. I felt so worthless. I just became worse. The only thing that saved me is my imagination.

I wanted to die everyday for three maybe four years. All of these things might seem little until you expeience them yourself. Alone !

I also had and still have compulsions. That if I did certain things I certain way maybe bad stuff won't happen again.

I found a way however to keep myself alive from depression.

I am no longer socially anxious. :)

I don't think I'm depressed.

[ End ]

However, I still have anxiety attacks. They feel like heart attacks. I don't know what to do to stop them. I most likely have a phobia of school.

They aren't because of thinking too much. They happen with no control.

Don't tell me I'm not trying hard enough and that I'm forcing myself to think like that. I try so much to keep these horrible pains away.

I just want to be happy !

What do you suggest I do ?

Thank you to anyone who listened.

Sorry for any errors. I hate that you can't edit posts.

I also don't know if I should post here.
But here goes . . .