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hello there,

Lately Ive been feeling Im under a lot of pressure. Mostly created by me and pushed on me by myself which sucks. Hard. I recently quit a job I just got (was there for roughly a month) because I was being mistreated and verbally abused by my boss there. It was a good oportunity and even though the environment and conditions werent the best, I thought it was ok. Until my boss started to be too much for me to the point that I would arrive from work everyday in the worst, most exhasted mood to keep working at home and cry myself to sleep some nights. One night, I woke up at 3am to vomit because of the levels of anxiety and stress i was under. I tried to convince myself several times that I was capable of handling it. That I was just not used to the work environment and the way this new boss worked. But it was just too much... and I dont give up easily, believe me. Im not a cry baby either who gives up the first moment something gets tough.

What Im trying to get at is Im lost once again... no job, no love, new city so barely know anyone. I studied a career for 4 years I dont want to work in (fashion design) and what I would actually like to work as since my childhood is starting to seem ‘attractive for the first time. I love art and drawing and illustrating is what I enjoyed the most when I was in University studying Fashion Design. For some reason, when I was 21 I started working as an ESL teacher and thats the only job ive been doing ever since (in different institutions). Until this last experience that I had at work, Ive thought long and hard whether or not I want to stay a teacher or not. And ive come to the realization that maybe I dont actually want to do that. I dont want to come home after school and have to keep working another 2+ hours, and always wake up at around 6am. I dont want to not be paid enough for all the work that goes into teaching, and I dont want to do something where I am not drawing or using creativity in someway.

So Ive thought about going back to school, maybe take a course on fine arts or illustration. Maybe animation... Im not sure yet. But Id like ‘something that im passionate about for once. This scares the shit out of me, though (pardon the expression) it really does. Feels like maybe ill just waste yet another year or two studying to end up in the same place: not knowing what to do next. Any job in the creative field is difficult to live off of, and im just not sure if its worth to try. Im almost 24 and im probably going to be working in retail while I figure all of this out... Im an adult that has no idea what to do with her future. Im an adult and I think im dealing with depression. Havent felt this way since I was 14 and bulimic... the spikes of emotions from ‘i dont care! happy, to incredibly sad and feeling like a failure, to ‘ok, to having to go out for a walk because im getting migraines from the anxiety and stress im feeling.

I just... I wish there was ‘something to tell me my choices havent been all wrong. Quitting this last job, studying the career I did, maybe going back to school to study art like i always wanted to.

I hate that this post ends with no answer or clear path of what ill do next, but it is what it is. Writing about how I feel seems to work at least to a certain degree for my anxiety. Cant really talk about this with anyone I know because I know theyll just brush me off or tell me everythings gonna be fine. So Im writing about it here. Just want to let it out and hopefully someone thats going through something similar can relate and know they arent alone. Im right there with you, feeling all of this and more. Hope you find some answers soon and hope I do too.

thanks for reading this far,

and hope you have a good one.