I'm becoming disillusioned from myself
My anxiety and self hate has created a mindset where I no longer want to be associated with myself. I go along with whatever people want because I'd rather them be happy than me making their life worse by choosing honest options that satisfy myself. Anytime I do something wrong I'm quick to knock myself down or tell myself that I'm not doing enough to be the person people expect. I created sides of myself to protect my social life and how I associate with others. I creates these sides of myself just to organize situations that happen to me daily. Because I'm a creative artist I use these "sides" as characters and mostly imagine these characters to either be my self support or even my self loathing. I think about these "sides" and use them so often that now it's hard to really see myself in the light that I used too. When I imagine me, I just see someone who is egotistical, or a dumbass, unmotivated or plain and embarrassing and awkward. I dont see me I just see the perception of myself, the things people always tell me, the things I tell myself. I dont know if anxiety can take this kind of turn, or it's just another disorder that I'm unaware of, but it's such a bother to feel even more unreal every now and then.
@Skulli Imagine there is a little kid on the ground. This child is no more than 6, and by the way he looks at you, you can tell things have being difficult for the kid. It tells you that he is not enough to be loved. That he is too dumb, too needy, too weird and boring. But you just see a normal kid, special like any other, struggling while dealing with feelings we all can relate too. What kind words do you have for this kid? We all make mistakes, we are wronged by people and wrong others. And learn little by little with each experience, messing it up half of the time. It would be almost impossible for you to not be learning something new each time you feel like you have not done enough. With that, the kid takes a small step up, help him recognize that small improvement, try to make him smile. Slowly, it will develop the tools to learn to live with himself, because there are people that love him exactly as he is.
I totally understand self hate, from time to time I still struggle with it! I came across this quote the other day that might make you feel better! “Your braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” I hope this helps! Please don’t hesitate to message me if you need or want to talk!
