I'm just tired...

My anxiety seems like it's been through the roof lately...

Today has been really stressful for me so far. I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning because I was so tired, I've had a headache that just won't let up, and I can't stop thinking about all of the anxieties that are happening at work and in my private life...It's like I can't focus on one specific anxiety to try and find a way out of the problem--my brain decides to think about ALL of them ALL AT ONCE.

I was so ready to get something out of the way this morning before lunch, but then a got a call from our sales manager saying that there's a show I needed to get things put together for THIS weekend. That included registering, booking a hotel room, and making sure other things are in order. It doesn't seem like a lot, but for it to jump out at me out of the blue was really frustrating. Especially since most shows that we go to have deadlines, and normally hotels are all booked up ahead of time. Now, luckily, the show contact said they could get us a table, and the hotel had rooms available even if it wasn't under the block, so it wasn't all as stressful as it could have been. But it shouldn't have been stressful at all, because one of the salesmen had emailed the manager some time ago about this show, and the manager either forgot or just didn't see it or whatever. The communication at work is not the best and I don't know what I can do to change it.

I also feel like I just don't want to work here anymore. The work isn't bad and neither are the people, but I'm just so bored and tired of it. I just don't have the means to quit right now, and I don't even know where I would even look to find another job. I feel so out of practice with everything and like I don't know how to do the things I would even want to do anymore.

My health is a big anxiety point for me right now-- I need to go for a normal check up at the regular doctor, eye doctor, and dentist. I also need to take my guinea pigs to the vet for a check up and nail trim. BUT I don't have a working vehicle for me to do all of this. I do go to therapy, but it costs me about $80 every time because of cab costs (my insurance covers the sessions). Physical therapy was going well, but I have such bad habits and motivation, I've fallen back on my progress because insurance wasn't covering anymore visits. I have a check up tomorrow, but I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't get anymore sessions. I am not good about making sure I do my exercises...my biggest motivation is having someone there with me, but I'm all by myself. I'm having a horrible time keeping myself from buying gas station food and eating a ton of it all in one sitting...

Money is a big issue: I have none. I messed up with my money this week, and now I have to wait a week and a half before I get paid again. I finally opened a savings account, which required a minimum balance in order to open it, I ordered more checks because I need them to pay bills, I paid my rent on time (which was actually a huge chunk of my paycheck), and I happened to spend a little more on food than I intended. I ended up with very little money in my account. Luckily, I don't have to pay my copay at my check up tomorrow, but I'm worried about my therapy appointment next week. It's the day before I get paid, so I won't have ANY money for the cab. I could possibly ask my parents for help, but I also don't feel like I can/don't want to. I want to be independent and not have to worry about them helping me, and I also don't want a big lecture from them about being better with my money (as if they're poster children for money management...). I just really don't think I can handle it.

I'm angry at my parents for being the way they are around me and my siblings. I understand they have problems like me and everyone else, but they don't ever even TRY to fix them. I'm so sick of being blamed for things that aren't my fault and feeling as though my parents happiness rests on my shoulders.

I'm so scared about the state of the country and the world right now, but I can't stop myself from reading the news. I hate Trump with every fiber of my being, which is really saying something; I don't think I've ever seriously hated anyone in my life. Maybe a severe dislike, but I have actually hated very few people, if at all. That being said, I am not brave enough to do anything. I don't really have any money to donate anywhere, which would be the most I probably could do. I wouldn't be able to go to marches or rallies unless if I were with friends; I can't call my representatives because I wouldn't even know what to say. Hell, I can't even post anything on Facebook without people in my friends list commenting and being assholes about things. Just being so angry all the time makes me feel so, so anxious.

I feel like a horrible guinea pig mom because I've waited so long to clean their cage out, one of their nails has gotten so long because he won't sit still long enough for me to and I can't get him into the vet, I ran out of veggies for them, and I don't spend time with them like I should be.

And on top of EVERYTHING, I'm always, always tired, and my boyfriend wanted to not talk today. I understand we talk every single day and sometimes we just don't have anything to talk about, but it just seems like that today of all days, things would just kind of implode on me. He's my best friend and really the only person I talk to... I have other friends, but I don't want to bother them or anything. I really need someone right now, but I have to keep myself from trying to talk to him so he can have some of the space that he clearly wants.

I had sort of a plan for when I got home after work today, but I'm not sure how much of that will even happen. I just want to cry and/or sleep...