Inability to trust
So, brief, or not so brief history... Married for 12 years, emotionally abusive relationship but only at the end found out that he was in a long term relationship with a coworker. Separated for a year and a half... Got back together to try to work things out because the kids (3 and 8 at the time) were not handling the separation well. That didn't work out.... Things got worse so separated again. Divorce is ongoing, but kids are in a much better place emotionally now. So are both of us in terms of communication custody, etc.
I don't know if it was a rebound, but after this I started having feelings for a friend of mine, who was there for me throughout all of that. It didn't get a chance to become anything serious, but he was telling me that he was falling in love with me, only for me to find out he was still sleeping with his ex gf and got her pregnant. End of that story definitely
Present day... After being alone for almost a year, started back dating and finally found someone I'm interested in taking things further. But my problem is, I just can't seem to trust him. I know I have no reason not to, and I was never like this before. I'm talking serious anxiousness for simple things like him not answering his phone, or taking a few hours to respond to my messages. All this whilst knowing he has stuff going on. It's getting to the point where it's close to paranoia. After the first time it happened, we talked about it and sorted it out. He does know my history and has history of his own as well. But it happened again, and this time I think I'm starting to push him away because of it.
Sorry for the long post but it's getting so frustrating and I really don't know how to handle it.
I'm really sorry that you've had to go through all of this. :c My mom was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship with my dad and I've experienced the abuse as well, so I can understand how hard it is to get away from something like that. I can tell that you really love your kids a lot because you were willing to try and go back for them. I'm glad that you have space now. Sometimes things that end like that are just for the better. Your story is unique and one of its own.As far as what you said about feeling anxious about picking up calls and talking to this person that you're interested in, I've found that sometimes writing out your feelings (via paper and handing it to them or text) can be a lot easier rather than trying to say it over a phone call. In the past when I didn't feel safe with myself I would write down that I needed my mom to be with me and keep me safe and she would. It's possible that you could do something similar with this person where you write out how you feel so you can spark a discussion/conversation on the topic. That's just one possible thing you could do - there are so many more, and you should pick the one that is right for you. I know that it might be nervewracking to talk to someone you're interested in, but I bet that they're just as nervous too. You want to make things work and you've experienced a lot of backlash in this area before. If this guy really cares about you he'll take the time to listen and make sure that things work out, no matter how long and hard it might be. <3 You can do this! <3
I'm sorry you have gone through these rough experiences, and are still working through anxiety around trust. It's understandable that you are feeling worried and unable to trust. I agree with Emmur that it's helpful to write out (for yourself) what you are feeling, and then decide what of that, or how much, or how you would like to share it with the new person in your life - if at all. When you do talk to your new partner, I've read before that using "I" statements (e.g. "I feel X, so I would like to try Y.") is constructive. I hope understanding your own feelings surrounding what you are okay with in a relationship and what you would like more or less of will help to make you feel a little bit stronger, and give you understanding, if not relief, from your anxiety. I think you are already strong for putting yourself out there in the dating world after being knocked down. You have taken big steps already!