I need help!
Hi everyone,
I've written many times in 7cups and I've received so much love. I've been struggling with many issues for years. I can't include many details so I want to share with you my conflicts.
First of all, I'm 27 years old, I'm gay and I have a hard time accepting my sexuality but lately I feel so much better with it and I strongly believe I'm on the right path. However, I'm an anxious person in general. I was bullied at school for years and until today I don't know why. So growing up my anxiety and my fear have consumed me and I can't move on. I'm afraid to find a good job (that's why I'm working from home), I'm afraid to talk to people in authority, I feel insecure all the time and I feel paralyzed when I have to make huge steps and changes.
Since 2017 I feel anxious and depressed almost all the time. I hide my feelings and I only talk to a few friends when I can't stand of myself anymore. Everyone thinks I'm happy but I've been hiding behind a huge smile since I remember myself. My parents have no clue about any of these and they just believe I'm sad because I'm in pain due to my rheumatoid arthritis (which I think was the result of my fragile emotions of fear, anxiety and confusion of my sexual orientation).
I feel lonely and depressed! I don't know whether I suffer from depression, social anxiety, or is just a result of hiding my true self from everyone. I can't afford a therapist and I'm in total despair. All I want to know is what's wrong with me!
@GreyGriffin93
Know, you're not alone now, every one of us is with you!
I think, I have similar problems. But it started not long ago for me. I feel bad every day and I wanna know, what's going on with me, as I could help myself, cause now I am totally lost. But I don't feel good about going to some therapist, and I am affraid, everybody will worried about me and then the therapist tell me, I just devised it myself, and nobody will understand me.
It's really hard to know, what person should do, when he has never been it this situation before.
But I believe, you'll can owercome it! And I keep my fingers crossed for you! 
@yellowSquare6431 thanks so much for your reply!
The truth is I feel better knowing I'm not alone in this. I feel lost too and while I know what I should do it's not that easy. Unfortunately, I've low self esteem and I can't stand of criticism and judgment about anything and being a homosexual in a conservative environment, that is, a toxic environment now, I'm afraid to tell my parents. My best friends and my brother know about me but yet I feel isolated in four walls like a prisoner.
I also feel lazy and worthless and once I came to a point to hurt myself but I'm not gonna do this. I'm telling myself I'm stronger than I believe. I'm just tired of thinking what other people might say. No matter what I do, what we all do, some people will always judge us. The thing is how we control judgment and how we let it affecting us. Soon enough I want to believe I'll live the life I want.
I'm ashamed to talk to a therapist but I know I need professional help, so when I can afford it I'll get in touch with someone. Be strong and remember you're not alone either. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always contact me. We can help each other or at least I'll gladly help you! ☺️❤️
@GreyGriffin93
I'd love to be for you here too!
Sometimes it's really helpful to support other people. Sometimes I pay much attention to myself and my problems, and maybe it is that what makes me so shattered inside. And it's much easier to support someone than support me, and then I could realize, my encouraging words also apply to me.
And, I Am not sure yet, what sex orientation relates to me, but I told myself, even if I'd feel it differently from others, I won't worried about it, cause life is quite short, so I could love whoever I want and do whatever I want. I understand it's hard to tell people. I was afraid of telling my mother about my problems too, and now when she knows it, I don't feel good about it. She doesn't understand me completely. But I feel it's right, she knows it. It was my first step and I can go on. and it's also right other people don't completely understand us. cause everybody is different.
If your parents won't take it well, remember what they liked about you before you told them! Because they'll still like it, even if it'll be covered by a cloud. Even when the weather is cloudy, the sun is there in the sky. and I believe, they maybe will need some time, but then everything will be ok!
Maybe no dark is completely dark. It can seem like just black but has a lot of little holes. And when we'll learn to see through them, then we'll see the light.
@yellowSquare6431 I like helping people as well! It gives me the strength I need.
As for my parents, I am not expecting their approval to be honest, especially my father's. The reason I'd like them to know is because I feel like a fraud as a person in general. I walked a very long road to reach at the point I am today and I can't change even if I wanted to. The problem is they didn't teach me how to express my feelings and I'm ashamed talking about them. I'm struggling with a lot of things but they have no idea about what's going on. If I tell them my mother will be crying but eventually she'll accept it because she loves me so much. She never told me but her actions show it. My father is another problem. I do believe that if he finds out he'll try to beat me up. So my solution is to be patient for a couple of years until I find a good job and move out. My boyfriend was my strength and all the steps I made were for us but he recently broke me up for a kind of silly reason but this is it! All we need is love... Love can do miracles!
@GreyGriffin93
I understand it's hard. I am sorry, your parents are like that. I don't know the options, what people should do about beating, but please, don't let anybody do it to you!
I can't expres my feelings too. But I love writing, so I wrote a letter for my mum. I just wrote it and wanted to let it be, but then I felt I should tell her, so I send her it by an e-mail. I write poetry about my problems too and it's helpful. Maybe I will once show my poems to family as they undestand a little bit more, but I think I can't do it early.
Anyway, if you can't speak like me, you can try to write of draw of sing or something like that, when you'll once decide to tell somebody.
And yeah, we need love. And when we are not beloved from anyone, we should mainly love ourselv and then things, what we can see and what we can do!
@yellowSquare6431 thanks again for your lovely words.
My parents have never ever hurt me! My father is acting like crazy sometimes and I can't predict his reaction but as I said I don't really care about his opinion because he was a drug addict and was absent from my teenage life even though we lived in the same house. I'm not mad and have nothing against him. He's clear for years and I'm proud of his accomplishment but the damage has already been done.
I also write because it helps me expressing my thoughts. ☺️ I write down some quotes, my thoughts and my troubles, I've written some sort of poetry too but especially I keep some important notes every time it feels I meet a dead end. These notes describe accurately and clearly how I feel and what I think of myself that exact moment. Actually, they represent my deepest feelings and fears and what exactly troubles me in reality. I told myself that if I ever visit a therapist I'd like to show these pages to him/her so he/she can have an idea about me and save some time.
May I ask your nationality?
@GreyGriffin93
I thing the notes are a good idea. Sometimes, when I feel bad I write a diary entry about my feelings.
I am from Czech Republic. You probably found out it from my bad English... I know, I am bad in it, but I love this language. I can expres myself better like that. But sometimes I write too much 'cause I wanna tell so much things in the same time and it's terrible to read it then. I thing thoughts are too hard for me to thinking and expresion. But anyway, I love to share them with some kind people. And I'm glad that there is someone who writes off more than one sentence. It's really helpful. Thank you!
@yellowSquare6431 no no your English is perfect or at least this is what I get because I'm not an English native speaker. I'm from Greece so I could never know if you're mistaken or not! 😉
I'm glad we talk. I wish we could talk in private but it's ok this way too. I've seen we have a lot in common and we understand each other!
@GreyGriffin93
I would love to talk to you in private. It start to be a little weird, cause nobody write here, just we but everybody can read it. 😂
I think, it would be great, if we can share often like that, cause You probably have no idea, but just because you answer me, you make me a better day, because I always read it and I'm not in the mood to cry anymore.
@yellowSquare6431 maybe one day we can make it. Until then we can talk in here. Also, how old are you?
@GreyGriffin93
I don't want to share here my personal informations with everyone, so just, I am teen at high school. So I haven't got much experiences, but I try to support others anyway.
@yellowSquare6431 ok ok I get it and I respect it of course!
@GreyGriffin93
Hey Grey❤ I understand this is a really scary thing to go through - I've been there too. I'm a trans queer woman and I understand how difficult LGBTQ+ struggles are. If it helps, you're not alone and you have a community that accepts you. I believe in you❤ I remember feeling exactly the way you are a few years ago and I can tell you that it does get better, even when it feels like it won't❤
Regarding not being able to afford a therapist - I'm in the same boat and so I've been trying to join a public therapy programme which doesn't cost me anything. It's worth looking to see if you can find something similar in your area❤
@SilverSappho thank you so much for your pep talk! It really helps me talking with my people and indeed that's the truth, we're members of a community and I want to believe the majority of us support and accept each other! All I'm sure about is that there's nothing wrong with people like us! ❤️ We have a soul as well and we owe to treat it the best we can! Accepting, loving and embracing yourself is the biggest step towards freedom and this is the path I'm leading right now and I won't give up till I can finally breathe. I wish you always all the best! Happiness, peacefulness and uncountable and infinite love! ❤️
