I need some piece of advice, really worried about the future
First of all, this is my first post in this wonderful community. I'm really glad I found this.
So, here goes my rant. I am married in my mid 20s and live with my husband, my family lives in another country and his parents and half-siblings all live in different states. His parents are divorced and is a total mess, he doesn't talk about his family much because they are not close and we only see them occasionally and during the holidays. I'll provide some context on the lives of each so you can see why I'm stressing.
His mother is in her mid 60s and has no income, she was living of the money her mother left (which is now gone), has been married 6 times, has 4 kids, each from a different husband. One of his half sisters got married to a guy in the military who became a drug addict that abused her, he was kicked out of the military for sexually abusing someone else and so she flew to live with my mother in law. His mother, half sister and niece (2 year old) decided a few months ago to come and live in the same city as we live with two big dogs they just adopted.
My husband paid for his own college and is a somewhat succesful engineer (his salary is still not enough to maintain other 3 people). When he got the job after graduating college he hesitated about telling his mom as he knew it may make her just rely on him.
So now, we are a month away from them moving here and there have been several episodes of them borrowing money from us and just never returning it, making excuses like 'I assumed you were helping us'. I understand it is hard for them to see my husband buy a house, and have financial stability, but I have a very hard time understanding my role in all this and I'm really worried about what will come of all this when I decide to have kids. For background: we are recent graduates and still not have disposable income, all the money we make goes to the house, cars, food, and retirement.
I decided to put a little effort to help them shape better financial habits and understand the real cost of living in my city. I did a full living and moving budget. After showing it to her half sister, she was in shock as it was clearly more than what she excpected. Her sister is getting a loan from her biological dad to pay for housing for the first 3 months, but she still needs to figure out how to find a job and purchase all the things her 2 year old needs. She's been separated from her abusing husband for 2 years and still hasn't filed for divorce or gotten a job. As her income is still her husbands income, she can't apply to social security or any government help (I believe). Same goes for my mother in law go is also married, separated, and has no intentions of filing for divorce yet to be able to get supplemental income or another kind of help.
On the side, they are incredibly nice with me, have no addictions and sometimes one can only feel sorry for them. Seems like every decision they take is the wrong one and makes them fall deeper into the whole.
Now, the real problem is that the tension is really affecting my relationship with my husband. I tell him everything I think about how we try to help them and they just go and do the wrong thing and he acknowledges it but says that is also his family and he must do something about it to get them in a better position. I understand him and feel sorry for him for having to go through all this. I don't know what would happen if it was my family in a situation like that. But at the same time I have to think about my future family and how this is just like opening a hole and falling into a poverty trap again. We've been married for a year and I only wish we move somewhere else and just escape all of it, bu that makes me a terrible person. Sometimes I even think divorcing him can be the best option I have, but again what kind of person I am to make him choose between my family and me. I come from a perfect family where the only problems we faced were financial and we got through them together so I find a hard time relating to him and a broken family.
@peachRaspberries6652
Hey Peach
Thank you for sharing your story.
It sounds like you're in a really challenging situation at the moment, where you're in between the feeling of sympathy towards your husbands family and the worries about your own future. Both of them are very understandable. Would it be possible to speak with your husband which amount of money you both can give to his family without loosing your safety?
Take care
audienta
@audienta
Yes we have been over that, and the amountwe can give will not be enough for them so I am afraid these "loans" will keep happening.
@peachRaspberries6652
Okay, I see. You told, that they keep making the wrong decisions. Could you talk to them about that?
@audienta
Yes. Well for starters not getting divorced as that is not allowing them to apply for social security benefits, food stamps etc which would alleviate some of the burden. Then, they decided to move from a low-cost of living state to one were the cost is significantly higher 3 years ago. Now, of course they want to come back, but moving is expensive and they don't plan for anything. My husband's sister in law is 35, totally capable of working, but does not get a job, claiming that it has to be a job to which she can bring her daughter (a 3 year old). They adopted 2 dogs. And, we have tried telling them but they won't listen.
@peachRaspberries6652 You are far from a terrible person. You have been trying to help your husband's family financially by giving them tips. You care about your own future and future family, which shows that you are considerate. Of course, we cannot be perfect in compassion for others and as you guys are recent college graduates, I am sure it can bring a lot of financial stress to not only care for yourselves but your husband's family as well. There's obviously no easy solution and it's hard for us to know the complete story, but I trust you know what's best for you. You should also think about yourself, as selfish as that sounds. Do you believe you can work it out with your husband to set clear boundaries of what you expect in the relationship as well or do you feel that the future will be a cycle of poverty that you do not leave because of guilt? Again, since I do not know the complete story, I may be biased in my response, but just as your husband's family deserves financial security, you do as well.
@luxx454
Thank you for your words. Yes, I finally came to terms with the fact my financial security is just as important. I had a talk to my husband and he will be reaching out to the rest of the family to try and establish boundaries before they move here.