Just to put it all out there

In the last month, among moving out of my house and starting university, I've developed this sickening ball of dread in my stomach. I feel constantly like I'm seconds away from feeling a weapon pressed to the back of my head or like my future self is screaming at my in the back of my head that I'm moving in the wrong direction and its ruining so much for me. I've got this lovely lovely girlfriend. Shes so sweet and pretty and shes just this little ball of stress when things aren't right or when I'm hurting and i get that shes not perfect but shes trying so hard to be there for me and There is only so much she can do and i know its killing her. Not only that she cant really help me but just that she cant bring me back to being myself when i get in my moods. I cant really talk to her because there really isn't a way to tell her about how I'm feeling without her wanting to fix things. Her initial response is to immediately jump in and ask questions about why things are the way they are and what can be changed and why things haven't been done yet and i totally get that its human nature, my family is the same, and i love that she wants to help so much but when I'm so deep in this awful sick feeling that i can barely explain my feelings i usually don't have it in me to talk her through each of my thought and choice processes. This leads to a frustration that comes out as anger sometimes, i stop talking simply because i lack the words to handle it and i cant form full thoughts as my panic increases and then she gets frustrated cause i wont talk to her and she doesn't know what to do and then i feel worse cause I'm hurting her by not being able to handle my emotions and so i cry or look away or panic cause i hate that I'm hurting her and that all leads to me being completely unable to explain myself and she gets sadder and its just one big awful cycle that leaves me feeling worse off than when we started. I love her so much though. All the good time we spend together is so lovely and i truly love that she wants to help so bad, i just don't think she is the person that i should be laying this all out for until i can find healthy and conducive ways to explain this stuff to her without getting her and myself worked up and started again. and that is just the start of why i cant talk to real people about this stuff, but its all generally akin to the same tune. I just feel awful cause it seems like as of lately every time we have a nice day together by the end of it something has set me off and I'm exuding this awful angry energy cause I'm so frustrated with myself and so unable to talk to her abut it, and its been way way too often as of late. I don't feel healthy for her, i really think she should be with someone that doesn't end everyday In a huff of tears and panicked breathing cause i crashed and don't have the methods to calmly communicate that to her. My inability to talk about it isn't even the most stressful part, the worst part is having to carry it around. I'm constantly nausea. i eat and then i feel sick after and during and then i wait and get better and better until out of nowhere I'm so hungry I'm sick again. My doctor thinks its related to the recent anxiety stuff, but it makes me and my life feel gross constantly which ends up being very counter intuitive. She put me on 50mg Zoloft and recommended me to an anxiety program but its quite a ways away and is only once a month for six months and i don't know if it will be doable let alone enough. I feel like I've been on the verge of tears for going on 3 weeks and i couldn't even tell you why. My anxiety makes me feel like my future is falling apart and my present is not where I'm supposed to be and that my past is constantly gonna be a gross thing waiting for me and not its crossed over into my physical health and my relationship and its hurting my loved ones and i have no where to go. I don't even feel like a real person when it gets bad. Its like I'm made of dread and it sucks my personality right out of my body. I'm scared I'm sucking her into a mess of hurt feelings. I'm scared I've built up a massive student debt for a career line that might hate me. I'm scared I'm gonna run out of money. I'm scared I'm never gonna drive. I'm scared I shouldn't have moved out and that I'm wasting my time. This feeling in me makes me want to run to a secure place. Find myself a secure office job and work normal hours and have a date night schedule with my girlfriend and rent a small boring apartment and drink wine on Friday nights only and just feel secure and safe and comfortable. But i cant imagine abandoning what I've always dreamed of doing and i cant imagine leaving all this stuff behind that I've worked so hard to get myself. It all just. sucks. I know I'm a very lucky person to have all the things i have but i feel like I've been implanted into the future i imagined for myself except its just a grim painful version and everything I've got is trying to warn me that I'm not in the right place. Except i have to be in the right place because its too late to think otherwise. so i guess i dump this all here and hope that a combination of explaining my thoughts and regular Zoloft and day to day work will snap me back into a person that I'm okay being.