Life is...

I already typed that much of the message and I deleted it by accident. It's difficult to write but it just dissapeared, stupid keyboard.

It's always difficult. I just wanna be a decent human being. I want to work but I'm afraid if I can't do the job right. Or if I can last more than one month. Or if I can keep my health (I'm healthy in general but I never work for long periode before, it's look tiring).

See, I'm 26 already. Firstly I graduate high school, I want to work but I can't. Cause I live in remote village and there is no financial support or... Any other support. I manage to cry almost everyday in second year after I graduate. Then my father sign me in a collegue. Local university.

You know what? Now that I graduate, now there are plenty job for highschooler that's just... Make me sad, actually. Cause now I'm a collegue graduate my neighbors wil talks alot if I go to that kind of job. And of course in this village... I don't have much option either for finding a job. I mean, the not underpaid. I need to compete with my friends and it will be underpaid, my family will be dissapointed (me too).

So, that's why I will go to a big city this month. That's make me super nerveous because I don't have enough money with me. How can I survive at least a month with that little money? I can't ask for more from my family simply because they just don't have it (this is the reason I must go). But I can't cancel it too because my family already expect it.

This is like I'm simply want to go there to become a homeless in a big city. It terrified me. No money, no certainity if I get the job immediately. No friends that useful enough for you to borrow money. I can only pray and hope I'm lucky enough to survive.

Actually I want to talk about it in the private conversation but it takes a long time if I don't tell now, I won't tell later