Looking for advice or coping strategies

so I've been struggling with my relationship with my dad for almost 20 years now. I'm 28 so a huge part of my life.

Iexperience crippling anxiety and my heart races every time i need to go near my dads house, or even when im messaging him, because i never know what kind of verbal abuse im about to receive.

The problem I'm facing is, He's a narcissist with an egocentric bias.

His side of the family don't see it because, well they simply don't see him enough. He doesn't visit them. Never really has since my little brother was born (he is 23) so we spent years only seeing his side of the family at Christmas - until I was around 13, then we started going to stay at my grandmas house during school holidays.

I've always been close with all my family, as since I was 18, I would go and visit them.

Though as I say, for the past 23 years, they haven't had much interaction with my dad at all .

My dad is one of those people who believes everyone owes him something, and those who don't go running when he snaps his fingers, is automatically placed in the "no one cares about me or listens to me" category. Despite the fact he does not lift a finger to help anyone else. Anyone dares ask for his help, then he will throw a raging tantrum smashing up his house, shouting about how no one is capable of doing things themselves.

I cannot tell my dads family what he's really like. He masks it so well that he has them fooled that I am exaggerating. How can I foforget?! He used to hit me, my mum , and my brother! But that's all in my head too. He's even once told me when we were having an argument that he wishes I would just jump in front of a train .

We fell out again a few months ago, because he threw a tantrum saying we "purposely" infected him with covid. He did not even catch covid, nor did myself , my husband or any of our children.. The reasons he believed this, was because my brother in law had covid, who none of us had been near. Around 4 days after my brother had came with us to visit my in-laws, my MIL tested positive. Again came another tantrum from my dad saying we knew and we lies about her being positive, because she tested positive two days before we went to her house!"

How stupid does he think we are??!! I don't know where he got that information, but he "can't remember" who told him it was two days before we went there. I mean, of course he can't, because it simply did not happen. Again, none of us in my household, or his household were even unwell, he didn't even do much as take a test , yet he was adamant we had "purposely infected him with covid".

Fastforward to a few days ago. I went to see him for the first time since March, despite him making absolute zero contact with me, except when I'd messaged him to ask about an email I'd received from my brothers social worker, and also to ask him to let my brother know my dog had been put to sleep

I didn't want to message my brother myself, as he is autistic, and it would be better coming from someone in person.

Wheni arrived at my dads with my grandma and uncle, everything was fine at first, then came the argument.

Apparently, my husband is controlling, doesn't let me do anything myself! What? Does he think after having a dad like him, I'm going to get into a relationship with another abusive man?! My husband is so caring and the best dad to our children.

Hewent straight back to calling me a liar over covid, to the point my uncle stepped in and told him to stop shouting and actually let me tell my side of the story so grateful for that! my dad of course didn't like that. He quickly changed the subject and went off on something else before i could even finish!!

I love him, because he's my dad.... But that seems to be the only bond there..

He blames my husband, but we haven't been close since j was a young child, to the point that I would spend my days outside, often alone if my friends were busy, just because I didn't want to go home to his history...

What can I do?! I'm losing sleep over the way he treats me, but its expected of me to visit him and help him....