Love, dating and anxiety.

Hey there!

I'm new so I hope it's ok to post here? :)
I'll try to keep it short so I hope it all makes sense.

I've had agoraphobia for over a decade. So I'm well known with anxiety and all the ins and outs, the whole psychology behind it. At this point I'm able to get out of my house every once in a while with the very few people I trust. Or just on my own to go for a walk or something. That's about it. I've had lots of therapy and know how to go about it.

Three years ago I started getting depressed, been about 10years since I experienced that. Last year was my lowest point ever. I could barely eat or walk and just wanted it to end. No one knew or did anything. I had the most extreme anxiety and depression for no reason. I'm anything but weak but I never knew a person could suffer mentally in that way. But I am doing much better now, still feeling a bit better every day.

Going through that last year also made me lose my best friend and the person I love most. It's a complicated story but there were just too many emotions and we needed time apart. Simply said, at this point we can't be together. So I am accepting that it is what it is. I want to be ok with everything and work my best with my life regardless. The bond we have goes above and beyond anything I ever thought even possible, for me it will always be him.

And it's something I find really hard. I can't fight what I feel, so I just want to accept it. If he will always be the one for me but we never work it out, I want to be ok with that. So I want to make sure I do this right and take my time. I can still like other guys or even fall in love, but it never feels even close to what I had. I know you shouldn't compare but we do anyways.

So now I'm at this point where I just want to be happy again. I am doing my best to close myself off emotionally from this one person. I've grieved, I worked through all of the emotions, I took my time, but the bond and love won't go. And to the best of my ability I am giving other guys an honest chance. I don't want to sit around and wait but make myself happy.

So all of this gives me alot of thoughts;
Someone who makes me a bit happier is better than nothing right?
But it wouldn't be fair to that other person if they will always come 2nd because I love someone else.
Should I tell this to a new person or do I just hope that it'll fade and I will love this new person more? It feels ridiculous to tell someone but also unfair not to.

Right now I'm talking to someone, and I really like him, it could have potential. So far no reason not to like him. But there's also the reality of my anxiety. I can text and videochat, all fine. But I can't meet up somewhere, impossible right now for me. I could have someone over at my home but that would probably be way too much too. As in; I would have such extreme panic attacks that I could barely function. Plus, being in love multiplies my anxiety and makes me feel horrible.

And sure, with alot of time and patience it would get easier if I get to know someone and trust them and get comfortable. It would take like many months probably. Someone would need to have sooo much patience and understanding. And it feels wrong to ask someone to invest so much in me when I will always love someone else. And I also just want to be my happy flirty self now that I finally feel a bit better. And not feel like an incapable weakling who has to explain all the anxiety stuff over and over.

So I just get stuck. I can't keep sitting at home alone, longing for someone I can't be with. Almost all my life I've been alone and kept myself busy with hobbies and such, I was happy with that. But now I just want to share my life with someone. And it feels even more impossible than before after I finally found my person and lost him. I feel so dumb to even talk to guys and start liking them because that and my anxiety make it almost impossible for it to work.

I know alot of psychology, I'm great at analysing myself and such. But I would really appreciate it to hear other people's objective views and opinions! Just anything that could help me get a different perspective :)

So kind of in short;

I love someone who is likely to always be the one for me. But I really want to take all of that out of my mind and move on. Date other guys, be happy! And if that other person ever comes back, we'll see, not gonna worry about that now. But how do I deal with and go about liking someone new and also my issues and anxiety?

And then the anxiety that also kind of keeps me from dating. I know many people struggle with dating anxiety and such. But what do you do when you literally just can't meet up with anyone in a normal way?

If I keep sitting at home this way, I will never feel better or get my mind off what happened. Moving on makes me happy, but also brings crippling anxiety which makes me feel worse. And that "no easy way out" feeling brings back dark thoughts. I can't follow my heart, stay true to myself or listen to my gut or whatever, because it simply all leads to one person. I so badly want to do the right thing and don't know what it is.

Thank you so much for reading and anyone who is willing to reply! I hope you have a great day :)