My Story
I've only been struggling with my Anxiety for about 5 years or so. It really became a problem after I got clean and sober in early 2016. Before, I had on again, off again bouts with Depression, some serious, some not so serious, but I was able to overcome and not have to be so overwhelmed by it. Now it's just the Anxiety. It has become such a burden that I will inconvenience myself and others around me so I can go around it instead of facing it head-on. For example, my wife, our friends and I went on a trip to a handful of states, one of them was Colorado, I absolutely love the natural beauty, the mountains, the trails, all of it is amazing. But my anxiety held me back from exploring to the extent I wanted to. I became afraid of the elevation and how high up I was and it ruined a big part of the trip. We had to cut out a bunch of things and instead of driving across the Colorado, I dipped down into New Mexico and back up because I was anxious. My wife insisted it was okay but even now I still feel guilty because I also wanted to explore and see everything. But now I'm facing a new fear and that's not being able to see my wife. See, she was in the U.S. for 2 years on a student visa with the terms being after she was finished with college, she had to return to her home country, and that has weighed on me. I miss her every single day, I want nothing more than to travel to see her, in fact I'd stay there for 2 years if possible. But my anxiety won't allow me to get on a plane and fly, and it's not even the fear of crashing or the typical fears. It's the fear of the unknown and not knowing what to expect. It terrifies me. But what terrifies me more is not being able to be with my wife.
Hi, I got to say congratulations on sobriety and overcoming those depressive episodes. It's not easy and is an inspiring achievement. I bet you can conquer this anxiety too. I really do. I have struggled with anxiety a long time and committed to understanding my problems in the hopes of conquering them. One way of thing l thinking about anxiety which has been very helpful to me has been thinking about anxiety as a special problem-solving mode that the body has. It keeps us aware and focused on the lookout for threats. And it makes us feel uncomfortable and risk adverse. All of those are very good and helpful things for curtain kind of problems, particularly new problems where the threats and solutions are not very well known or practiced. There are millions of examples of this. Public speaking is often scary until you get enough experience. Rock climbing. Learning to ride a bike. Taking an important test without knowing how hard the teacher grades. Meeting new people. Travel. Heights. So many examples. One thing I noticed is that, almost by definition, a problem is a thing that doesn't yet have a solution. Once there is a solution, there's no longer a problem. So like, I used to have a very hard time with public speaking. I'd start sweating, I'd get flushed, heart would race, I'd feel very nervous and apprehensive. But I got jobs where I was expected to spe in front of people. After a while the fear went away; I got to see first hand what I had been scared of. I became more and more confident in speaking. The unknowns disappeared and were replaced with confidence. I knew what to expect and how to succeed at the task. Because I know how to succeed, I know a solution, I'm no longer bothered so much by public speaking. So that's what I see anxiety as. It's a really helpful thing the body does too help us succeed when we have a vague problem that requires vigilance. It's not a bad thing. The body automatically adjusts our emotions to match what is in our current perception. So I think there's really two parts to this. First is having a good healthy, realistic mental model of anxiety so that you can recognize your apprehensions for what they are. That part is important because if you are modeling your anxiety itself as a vague problem, your body is trying to help you solve it with anxiety, which is a confusing and frustrating experience. Anxiety is a problem solving tool. Second part is you actually have to go do things to solve your problem and not just think about it. The problem with just only thinking about a problem is you are just making new guesses off of old guesses and can easily wind up with a distorted appraisal of things. So take actions that reduce the unknowns of you problem. Maybe travel to a nearby hotel for a few days, or sleep on a friends couch. Go for a walk, go hiking, go camping. Rent some commedy movies or a sitcom based in your wife's country. Go on Google maps and see if you can look around the city your wife lives in. You can do it, you can stop judging anxiety as a problem instead of a solution. When you do, it becomes a solution. I hope something in this long post is helpful to you. Wishing you lots of happiness ahead.