New guy with anxiety
First off let me say hello. I just joined and am currently a little overwhelmed with where to look for help and post. To tell a little about myself I have been struggling with social anxiety all my life and have only recently found the courage to get some help for it. Since then I feel like it has become a lot worse.
My Story:
About a year and a half ago i decided to find a therapist to have someone to go and talk to and hopefully give me some strategies to help cope with the day to day things in life. What I ended up finding through my insurance was a psychologist who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was just gonna listen to my problems one time and then try to fix them with medication. I had no idea that what i actually wanted/needed was a counselor. So I went into my first appointment very nervous (so nervous in fact if it wasn't for my wife going with me I would never have gone, I still nearly ran out of the waiting room after checking in. ). Despite all the nervousness somewhere deep down inside I was feeling almost optimistic and would later realize looking back that I was also feeling very relieved to be finally doing something about this problem.
The long wait in the outer room was finally over and it was my time to go back in . I sat down on a couch in his office and had a big chuckle to myself about the fact that there actually was a couch in a psychologists office. I explained to him about my lifelong problems with anxiety and how I worry so much about others opinions and thoughts that I do my best to keep to myself rather than be judged. I say I "explained my problems" but it was more like the doctor skillfully pulling the pertinent information from my head. At the end he offered to put me on Buspirone. He told me of the great successes he has had with it in other patients and told me it was not addicting, a huge fear of mine with medications, seriously I do not even like taking Tylenol when I have a headache. After a lot of hesitation I agreed to start the meds. Basically the deciding factor came down to the fact that he suggested starting a medication along with therapy would give the best possible outcomes.
The Buspar really seemed to help me at first. I started on a very low dose however, and maybe due to a placebo effect, I really felt like I was able to handle situations and interact with people a little better. A month later I visited the doctor again and give him this information. He had me assign a number to my anxiety lever in order for us to track it better. It was at this time he told me, well to be fair he probably mentioned this in the beginning but I was too anxious to absorb all the info, that he was just my medication doctor. I would see him once a month until we found the right medications then the appointments could spread out. He then sent me on my way with an increased dose and a list of councilors if I needed someone to talk to. Okay, I'll try the higher dose, it seems to be working so more will work better right? Well, it did for a time.
It was my third or fourth visit when he upped my dose again. Up to this point I had actually been doing well. I feel like I was actually having conversations with the people at work and my wife told me I was doing a lot better. She mentioned quite a few times how happy she was to see me do a lot of things I had not been able to before. Three days into this dose though I started having sever panic attacks. Something Ive never really had before. I would be happily sitting on the couch then for seemingly no reason I would have massive amounts of anxiety. Reading about this drug online and calling the doctor suggested the same thing. This was rather normal when adjusting doses and would soon go away. Okay I figured, I will continue to try and get through it. Two days later and no I could not handle it. The panic and anxiety was so bad I would just start crying on the couch and have no Idea why. Another call to the doctor and he suggested I go back to my old dose. That seemed to have helped but the panic attacks have never fully gone away.
Next visit and the doctor added lexapro since I wasn't handling the Buspar. Although against what seemed appropriate to me he kept me on both.That was the last time I saw that doctor. Something happened between his office and my insurance weren't getting along and I started receiving bills for the full payment of the visits.
My wife found me a new one, and this is where I feel like things started getting bad. I hadn't mentioned up to this point but he had prescribed me "emergency" pills for when I was feeling really bad and I tried 3 or 4 different ones before finding that Ativan was the only one that helped at all. This new doctor was appalled that I had a prescription for Ativan and one of the first things he told me was that I wouldn't get any of that from him. Now I get that Ativan is an addicting drug and lots of people go in just to try and get it to use for non prescribed purposes, but I explained to him that it was the only thing that worked and out of the 6 months I've had it I had only used 3-5 pills. I chose not to make any issue of that since I was initially prescribed 30 pills and had plenty left. Instead he gave me a prescription for one I told him I tried already and didn't like because after I took it I could not remember anything that happened. He also upped my Buspar dose even though I told him I couldn't handle it but I agreed because it had been awhile since I tried it and maybe with the other meds I would be able to do it this time.
Nope, same problems as last time. Called the doctor and he suggested cutting the pills to lower the amount I went up. This was a bad thing because I was still having the panic attacks with this newer slightly higher dose but they were better than they were at the higher dose so to me at the time I thought it was okay. I should probably mention that up to the point I started the meds I had never had a real panic attack, lots of anxiety yes, but not panicky. Month later I saw him again and he kept me at this dose of the buspar but upped the lexapro and tried giving me another "emergency" medication to help with the panic attacks which I never filled because it was yet again one I tried and previously and did nothing good for me.
It was at this visit, or maybe the one right after that he told me something no doctor should EVER tell a patient with anxiety, especially one who has a great aversion to taking medications. He went though and listed off all the medications he had prescribed me, even the ones i never took and never filled and were not using anymore, and he said to me " look at all these medications you are taking! You really need to see a counselor and talk to someone about your issues because there is nothing else I can prescribe you". Holy cow. Absolutely the wrong thing to say to me at that point in my life. I got home and threw away all my emergency meds save the Ativan. I rounded up all my Buspar and sorted them into decreasing doses to taper off for a month. I was done with panic attacks ( the reason I chose to stop the buspar first) and completely done with feeling like a crazy person for which there are no more meds left on the planet that can help me.
A month later I went to my next appointment super anxious because I had stopped the Buspar without telling him. I had my story all figured out in my head explaining how I at least did it the right way. Went into his office and told him I am only taking lexapro, nothing else. And he just updated his notes, that was the end of that conversation. He asked how I was doing to which I replied I feel the same as ever. He refilled my lexapro. All this time I am still having random unexplained panic attacks. Another visit and I decide to tell him I am having the Panics still. He starts going through the lists and lists of medications and picks out a new one. Depakote, a seizure med he says with side effects of mood stabilization and reduced anxiety. Not at all excited for this one but I'll try it. A week later I am peeing blood and my gums are bleeding really bad. Looked up these symptoms on the internet and possible side effects of Depakote came up as one of the possibilities. Called the doctor and he says that it is definitely not an issue with the meds and i need to see my doctor. Got in to see my regular doctor that day and she told me to stop the meds immediately. It is absolutely a side effect. She also did urine tests to check for other causes and all came back negative. Two days after stopping the meds all the effects were gone. A few weeks go by I got a pretty bad cold and forgot to take the lexapro for three days. Seeing that I had no ill consequences from that I decided I just wouldn't start taking that again either. I was done with meds and wanted to try just counseling instead. Saw the doctor and told him about the Depakote and what my doctor said and that I stopped it and was fine. He still doesn't believe me and continues to tell me that it is impossible. I also told him I hadn't taken the lexapro in a week due to an illness. He suggested that I just start taking it again. At this point I just sat and listened till he was done and on the way out never made another appointment.
It has been nearly a month since then. I get "brain Zaps" on a regular basis which from what I can tell is common when discontinuing Lexapro. I am more anxious than ever, or maybe I felt better for a short while so it seems worse now, I cannot really tell. I still get the random panic attacks although not as bad as before. And I still don't have a counselor because, well I don't really have a good excuse, just anxiety of having to go through all that again. I think I am depressed now as well because very little brings me joy. The only meds I still have is the Ativan, down to probably 15 pills from the original prescription. I carry one with me always and only take one when I really feel bad and can't get away somewhere private.
I was currently looking for counselors online who are available and take my insurance (not something easy to find) when I came across this site and though hey why not. Its way easier to type out my problems then tell someone face to face!! Actually just writing it all down made me feel a little better for the moment. At the very least it helped to sort out events in my mind.
Sorry for a ridiculously long winded intro/about me post but if you made it this far thanks for taking the time to do so. Any advice is always appreciated as well as your stories/experiences with doctors and meds. I think I want to go back on the Buspar again at a low dose for now when I find another doctor.