New here (mama drama)
My relationship with my mother has been somewhat rocky lately.
For as long as I can remember, she has always seemed to refuse to accept the word "no" as an answer.
I tell her not to do certain things, and more often than not, she deliberately goes ahead and does it anyway, against my will, without even caring about how it makes me feel in the long run.
I remember after I lost my job in the early 2010s, I was telling my mother about stories I had heard from people who worked in similar environments and stories they had. She got mad at me and demanded that I stay away from websites like that. She then had a sit down with me and made very upsetting comments to the point that it made me cry. She berated me for crying. Then she said she was going to stop by my workplace. I demanded she not do this, but she just went along and did it anyway. She then made sure to know all my missteps (she's the type who demands to know everything about everything), rubbing them in my face. I began crying again. She again got mad at me, and I said, "You're allowed refusing to accept no as an answer, but I'm not allowed to cry?"" (Which is worse, especially after I lost a job?)
As for her demanding to know everything about everything against my will, I tell her I don't like her doing that, but she just calls it "making conversation". But often I like to keep certain things to myself.
I am in my early 30s, and while I live near her, and see her almost every day, my relationship has not been at its best as of late. I tell her that she needs to stop refusing to accept "no" as an answer, but she violently refuses to do this, thinking she is allowed to do it whenever she wants to. She also obsessively talks to me about my finances, and makes sure my credit card company contacts her phone number (even though I am decent with money, my mother obsessively talks to me about saving money; if she had her way any more than she does, something tells me I'd have no money to use on anything fun, and would be having no fun at all, ever). She seems to be such a fun hater and killjoy more often than not.
Sometimes my relationship is perfectly fine, but lately it's been sour.
What can be doine to help make her more caring, more fun to be around, and much less of a control freak?
@GBNS85
I'm sorry to hear about your mother.
Parts of your story ring true to me.
I had the bank account my mother had set up for me as a child.The bank wouldn't let me remove her without her approval despite the fact that I was in my mid 20s.
I found out the bank policy of what an minimum account balance was and was able to get it shut down that way. I went to a new bank.
Perhaps there's some kind of consent form you can revoke for the credit card. Or maybe see if they'll let you put a password on the account. I was a CSR for a while and even though that wasn't the company's policy, they sometimes had special account notes.
I'm sorry to hear about her performance review for you concerning your job. That's so over the line.
I've had to slowly erect boundaries with a therapists help. My mom wanted me to talk with her twice a day every day. I had to reduce the number of phone calls/texts I'd respond to. Slowly she got the hint but will complain that she "never sees or hears" from me.
I had to just vaguely brush off those comments.
Now unfortunately I am very ill. In some ways I think it almost makes her feel better because she has something to talk with people about. They give her a lot of sympathy and she basks in it.
After I recover then I'll have to start over with the boundaries and re-establish them. :(
I wish I could say more, but remember: you're an adult. You can set the terms of what you want in your relationship with her. She can't send you to time out.
There's no way to change her and make her more caring and fun. You can, however, refuse to let her have control.
Be strong.
