No trust

This week I uncovered with my therapist that I have no trust in the world, its people, or even really that the God I've believed in all my life will spare me from any hardship. There are so many things that I've never told people other than my therapist, even my husband. I want things to feel safe, they did at one point in my life, and that feeling of wellbeing that comes with safety is unbelievable. No wonder people get addicted to drugs for that feeling of wellbeing. I no longer blame myself for being a recovering alcoholic; alcohol gave me that wellbeing that I couldn't get out of life.

When I try to eke out some little morsel of trust with someone, and I share something small, I get panic feelings. As though telling someone that my house has become a mess is going to get me fired from work, scorned and publicly humiliated! I can see the thinking traps: catastrophizing, black and white thinking, fortune telling, mind reading... but I can't stop the feelings of panic anyway.

This anxiety has gotten worse lately, and I've been taking Xanax as prescribed for it, but I think that my prescriber is giving me too much and I'm worried that I'm addicted to it already. So I'm feeling stuck. I want to stop worrying and panicking. I don't want to be obsessed with trying not to lose my job, hurt my son (by being negative, irritable, anxious), push my husband away. All of these fears are probably unfounded, but no matter how outrageous they feel so real. I'm tired of my heart pounding, sweating, breathing hard. I get so stuck in flight or fight that I feel like running away and hiding. Or I freeze and have a hard time getting myself to do anything because the fear paralyzes me. I just want it all to go away. Unfortunately, the "magic pill" is addictive, and if I don't have a problem yet, I will all too soon.