(Please Reply) Is It All On Me?
I remember when I was younger, I wanted to get myself a job more than anything. I would dream at night about being part of the working class, and earning soime extra money for my family. I was unemployed, just graduated high school with all honors classes. I had a clear life plan and a sense of direction with what I wanted to be in life. I was at a point where I finally felt okay, I was a happy. A bit of a late bloomer, but I still had a clear sense of direction, with a good head on my shoulders.
I ended up getting my first job at the local dollar store, for the first few months everything was roses.
Now I'm 19, and I'm clinically diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
After a particularly hard day at work, I landed in the hospital. My body went numb, my brain deprived of oxegyn from hyperventilating, stressing about tomorrow, and how poorly I was getting my job done. Since that day, my anxiety hasn't changed. My diet and my sleep schedule have suffered dramatically, my world view is overly negative, and I feel as if I can no longer trust anybody. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid that everyone is out to get me for no good reason. I dread even the thought of going to work in the morning, and I've lost all sense of myself. Nothing in life brings me joy anymore, and I feel as though I am worthless to the rest of the community. As for people, I don't have a relationship with anybody (outside of family). I can't seem to tell when someone is joking with me, I feel like everybody at work has an alternate opinion of me, that they're hiding things from me. I've noticed I've become testy, and take everything so seriously. I used to feel like I was safe, and that I was loved and respected. But now I can't even go to bed without crying myself to sleep at night. I feel a total absence of compassion and respect, from both customers and fellow employees. I can't stand being told what to do by anybody, anymore. I despise all customers, and feel as if they see me as some kind of punching bag, so they can do or say whatever they want to me, and I can't do anything about it without risking my career. I'm embarassed of being a cashier, because I associate the position with powerlessness, vulnerability, and the feeling of being mentally destroyed. I hate everything about it, but despite my family begging me to quit, I would feel like I was a digrace if I do so, and I wouldn't be able to face them the same way. This is not who I am! This is an empty husk, of the lively, loving, confident and bold person I once was, and I often blame myself for feeling this way. But despite all of that, something is telling me that if I was in a healthy working environment, I wouldn't go from completley fine to a clinical diagnosis in six months.
Is this all on me?
@AFawningGirl I can understand somewhat from what I read. No, it is not all on you. I can see you have been brave and positive, but things came to feel so much difficult. Your job environment seems to have been tough for you. Would you think it is because of the kind of the job you have been in, or because of the people you met there? :)
@SnuggleSweetie i can relate to what you are feeling... i am going to say something so i can hear it myself too... i believe that WE control our lives. That everything that is happening to us is something we called upon. I believe in the universal law of attraction. That whatever you feel is what it will manifest. We are the only ones who can change our lives and the way things are coming to us. From personal experience i know it can happen. It has happened to me but i believe that i am not strong enough to hold on to it. And that is also a trick that my mind is playing with me. I recently heard that we are not our thoughts.That we are much more that that. That we can control our thoughts and the way we feel. I really try every single day to keep that in mind but still it is difficult. And saying it is difficult is another trick .. Thoughts that make me feel better are, that i am not alone, that i am better than i think i am, that i can do better, that i am perfect the way i am, that i don't care what anyone thinks and that i am not my thoughts!. oh, and i try to be in the moment! I am saying again that i TRY to do it everyday.. unfortunately it needs trying.. So, that is my opinion snugglesweetie. If something sounds true to you, keep it. If not don't listen to me at all...! Thank you for sharing! A big hug to you!