So Close Yet So Far

Hey, I hope no one minds this post, I just need to do this to help clear my mind. And maybe get some encouragement or something, but if you aren’t able to offer that, that is fine! And I hope you don’t mind that I type big paragraphs, it’s just a bad habit from writing stories haha! Anywho! Without further a do! Let’s get into it! I just wanna mention the possible things that could be said in this thread, so trigger warnings for: talking p*orly about my*elf? p*lls, p*ll phobia, fe*lings of l*neliness and h*ving no s*pport.

I thought I finally had it, I felt like my hands actually got a hold of something. Around this time leaves were starting to fall, as it was around the end of September and start of October. “How pathetic!” I say to myself, as I begin to remember the beginning of September. Around that time I finally got a respond from my psychologist on my gmail, it took her awhile. With my heart beating fast from fear, and as well from excitement. I took my time that day before replying, but I eventually did since it was the only thing on my mind. And after a day or two after, she replied finally setting up a appointment for us on October first. It bothered me a bit, since I just wanted to do it right then and there. Because I waited so long to get to that point in time, but I reminded myself, “remember have patience at least it’s better than going no where’s.” “Ha! I wish I remembered that afterwards! Because I ended up ruining it like I did the first time!”

I went to her office and we made this plan, to help my phobia of pills or in other words Pharmacophobia. She wanted me to try taking small candy to stop myself from being afraid of taking pills, and to allow myself to swallow better. At first I was fine with this idea, but after I got home however, I couldn’t help but well, break down and cry. And I know it wasn’t a hard task, but I couldn’t help but get upset, since I waited so long. And just wanted to get her to help me straight up take the medication. I just wanted to be happy again. Maybe I should of told her, but my anxiety decided to just make myself remain quiet.

But either way I went back without doing the task whatsoever, thinking, “oh, hey! Let’s just not do the task, and tell her how I don’t wanna do it! Even though it was already too late!” And don’t get me wrong, I wanted to tell her before then, but of course I was too scared. But besides that at our next appointment that following week after, it turned into this lecture about how practice is important. It was slightly annoying, since I clearly already known that, and it just went on and on. It was just having the motivation and the patience to do it. Because every time I thought about doing it I just got sad. But that’s not what hurt me, it was the words she said, which were meant for teaching and not to harm me whatsoever. She said, “I don’t understand why your generation doesn’t like practicing, and it doesn’t help with the whole phone situation. Where they can just get things at the tap of their fingers. I mean to don’t get me wrong!” Then she started shaking her hands realizing she offended me, “I mean no offence if that’s what you wanna do, sure! You can do that! I am not judging you! I mean you aren’t that bad some kids can’t even come to my office!” Then ironic thing is, is that she repeated same thing, after saying, “no offence! You do you! After that I just was hurt and never went back.

Like most of her point was true, practice is important, but it’s just comparing me to a whole generation of people hurt my feelings. And if I being honest I want someone who would support my decisions and motivate me. Like of course teach me, but not say like, “hey you are like the rest of your generation!” So, that’s what I decided to just figure it out on my own, and I decided to ask my mom for help. Took me awhile because she has this terrible habit of saying, “yes, I will help you. Just keep trying!” But never fulfils her promise. But at that time and place and even now I have no one else to help me, since well I ruined the only ever good support I had.

Because I asked my dad before I asked my mom, and well, he said that he couldn’t because of work. Which I wasn’t sure if he was trying to find a good actual reason, or if it was an actual reason. I don’t know but I just don’t wanna ask again incase if he says “no,” once more and I just annoyed him. I also wanted to see if his girlfriend wanted to help me, but I didn’t really wanna ask her since well. The last time didn’t go well, and I only tired her out including my dad and my step sister. But they are right, “I guess I’ll never take my pills, and that I am wasting my time and should just go back to school.” “Well, that’s also a shame because I can’t go back until next semester. So, yay me!”

So, that thing I held onto in October is gone, and I just dug my own grave. The ironic thing after the school board called and said I couldn’t go back to school, my mom offered to help and apologized for not helping me or taking me to my appointments. And made excuses as to why she didn’t wanna help me. But even after she said that, I still forget that, I still have this urge to go to my dad and his family for help. Even though I know it’s pointless. Since my mom will be upset because I want to go to my dad for help, and she will start saying, “why do you wanna go to your dad? Don’t you trust me? Because I am here to support you?” Or just for my dad and his family to say “no.” It’s just I can’t trust her because she changes her mind like a flick of a switch, so it’s hard to understand her.

So, I feel alone and it’s so hard for me to make myself just let it go, when I went through everything just to give up. All I have to do is take a tiny pill, well at least that’s how everyone else sees it. They also see me as someone who is just a pathetic dropout, and wanna put me into random college programs without my permission. It’s hard to do anything when everyone doubts you, but I can’t blame them obviously. I just wish my grandma was still here, because she’s someone who wouldn’t give up on me. Or not wanna help me at all. I just wish there was someone who isn’t tired of me.

Anywho! Sorry for that sappy stuff! Haha! Feel free to comment if you like.