Stuck

My emotions are controlling me more than I'm controlling them. I feel scared. I am scared of studying im afraid I'm afraid Ive developed a fear I feel incapable. There are sudden hand and feet movement due to irritation and anxiety. The sole of my feet turn cold and pale. I frown at sounds. Aahhh I want to scream. I feel weak and vulnerable. When I try to tell myself I'm strong my heart aches like it says u are lying. My soul tells me I'm fragile. It feels I'm just watching not living as if I'm not like any of the people. I feel I'm invisible. As if I'm just watching a movie. I have significantly facing similar issues from past 7months. I was also significantly depressed 3 yrs back. But I got better but it comes back after some break. Past month it was more about panic attacks extreme guilt and confusion now it's more about failure incapability helplessness fragile feeling. Deep inside me is a fear. Which is buried but it's there. Also there is a strong fear of fear. I don't even feel strong enough to think about fighting fear. Like the fear has a gun pointed towards me. Like it has overpowered me. And now I don't have courage to face anything I want to escape from the reality bcz when I'm in real life I feel anxious angry sad irritated. I'm afraid what if I get an anxiety attack and there's no one to help me. I fell into pit can't gather up the courage to even think about climbing up. And everyone's watching but noone can pull me out. I swear my soul is screaming for help but I am in trap situation. When I had started feeling like this 7 months back I had to convince my father for months for therapy. That time it was worse I used to beat myself. Finally he agreed. He took me to a therapist. I didn't like him at all he didn't understand.it was just one session. Then I started to feel I know nothing in my course I felt incapable. I was crying and beating my chest out of helplessness. I begged my father to takee to a doctor once again this time he reluctantly agreed to take me to a homeopathic doctor. He was shitty he was not a psychologist he was casual. He just prescribed me some medicines. The next day only I had major breakdown. I used to cry whole day. Not the crys of sorrow but of helplessness and incability. I decided I will not give 12 exams this year. I am not exaggerating. I knew my condition. It was so difficult to live. Sometime passed I was struggling everyday within myself. Aaah I'm not lazy I'm not escaping from studies. Till this time I had developed fear of studying. I was ashamed of wasting my dad's money on doctor but I needed a therapist seriously. I started nagging again I need a doctor. Luckily my uncle knew a psychologist in the us. So he told us to consult. He won't charge. He talked on Sundays. So we had first session night in india morning in California. So I told him my story and problems he just listened. He was good. I told him family problems but didn't emphasize on study phobia. Next Sunday next session I told him more problems again forgot about study phobia. For what we had talked he said next session will be with my father. Id like to add I used to cry for hours daily until the first session. My crying had reduced. When he talked to my father. My father told him that she has improved and all. Ofc I had improved. My father talked in a way like I didn't need sessions necessarily. Aaargh it's been 2 weeks no sessions. Again I've started struggling it's not tears it's what I've explained in the beginning. I don't have guts to tell the therapist I need more sessions he's good he's not rude or anything ofc but I think he's too busy to give a fre session. We can't afford therapy. Idk arrrggggh. Im stuck