Toxicity

I usually do get anxious. But I'm always able to get it together somehow. I write, talk to my husband, talk to my friends, talk to myself and calm myself down. But not this time. My cousin sister and I are quite close. She's been a great companion and I've been a constant support to her through her relationships. Eight years ago she started dating a friend of mine and it's been the most toxic relationship I've ever seen. They're explosive. Either completely into each other or screaming and hating each others guts. They break up and then make up, and it's a constant cycle. And somehow, I always get dragged in between. She calls me and cries and I just melt. It's become a part of my life now . A few years ago, I didn't have the maturity or emotional capacity to be able to tell her that her relationship isn't healthy and is toxic. I know better now. And over the years as it's continued, I've talked to them both about it. But they do what they want to do in the end. Whenever they break up, she packs her stuff and comes over to my place. It's happened thrice in the past year. I just got married a couple of months back. And this time, he hit her. Thrice. And she called crying and terrified in the middle of the night. And asked if she could come home. Of course we said yes. She came over with all her stuff. I supported her. Financially and emotionally. Encouraged her to start working. I was so furious at him. But this time, I didn't yell at him directly. Because everytime I've done that, she's ended up back with him and I end up having to see the face of the person I've raged at over again. My hunch was right this time as well. But this time she took it too far. I thought I'd set some boundaries this time. I realised they'd started speaking again and told her that I would appreciate it if he didn't come home. Meet him, do what you want, but please don't get your relationship home. My husband and I are planning on shifting to a new place and she's decided to move in with us(without so much as a 'Can I? '). In our stupid attempt at support, we didn't disagree. But again, I mentioned to her, please don't get him there as well. Two days before the lockdown in our state, my husband and I come home and find him at home. He goes back and when the lockdown got set, he was back. Mind you, he's been my friend for years. He's not a stranger. And he says he doesn't want to be alone during the lockdown, so he's going to be staying here. And she refused to meet my eye for two days in the same 2bedroom house. And I didn't want to just explode because I was going to be stuck with them for the next two weeks. It's also the first time I realised that she has zero respect for me or my space. And looking back over the years, I realised that she never had any love or respect. I was just useful. I have come to a point where I don't want my cousin to move with us to the new house. I can't handle the lies or the pretense anymore. I don't know what it is with my husband and me. We're pushovers I think. Hate confrontation. And we let it go. But it's gone too far now. Both of us have reached our patience limit. I can't anymore. The lockdown is ending soon. And I have to have a talk with her. And that's making my anxiety shoot through the roof. I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't talk to my friends about it because this toxic relationship has overpowered my life for so long and I feel like that's all I talk about. I feel silly talking about it. I held it in for so long and the other day I snapped at her. So she hasn't been talking to me for two days. Which is making the whole 'have to have a conversation with her' thingy so much worse. It's eating me from the inside. I'm miserable. I apologise if this seems like such a silly topic during such difficult times. I needed an outlet.