Trauma Resurfacing during GAD and MDD

I’ve noticed since my Generalized Anxiety Disorder has resurfaced its ugly face in October that I’m also processing childhood trauma, current trauma, and relationship issues all at once.

I’ve also dealt with depression my entire life and medications have not worked.

I’m a full time work from home mom and my mom takes care of 2.5 yrs old for me. She had shoulder surgery May 2022 and of course she had to recover so I was forced to take care of my son by myself and work my very demanding job here at my house. When she was able to start watching him again she would randomly start calling out less than a day before leaving me to deal with trying to work and be mom and childcare.

I understand she is recovering herself but also she doesn’t want to watch him for a couple hours on the weekend either when I simply need a break, because how dare I ask for a break…

She was supposed to watch my son tomorrow, she only watches him a half day on Friday. She texts me this afternoon coming up with another health story how she cannot watch him because she has this random dr’s appointment tomorrow. This is becoming all too common.

Last week was my birthday. Instead of calling or texting me, both of my parents didn’t say anything. My mom chose to post on my social media instead of talking to me. She then told me when I went to pick my son up last Friday she didn’t know what to get me for my birthday. I said, you’ve been busy but I really want a weekend to myself. She didn’t respond and started talking about herself.

I bought this woman a very expensive gift for her birthday…

I’m getting nothing in return.

I feel like I am getting too old to be dealing with my parents who are going into their 60’s at this point to be dealing with their traumas they are pushing on me still.

My mom has always been pretty awful. I cannot tell you what role she played in my childhood because my grandparents took care of me and my sister. They took us on vacations. Threw us birthday parties. They were always our childcare and pickup from school. On the weekends my parents would dump us on our grandparents and they would stay out and I wouldn’t see them until I was sleeping and they were picking us up.

I remember my mom screaming at my dad under the carport about her wanting to kill herself. I remember all the times where she would lock herself in the bathroom to drown herself in alcohol and listen to her music way too loud.

My sister has always had a temper and as a kid she was pretty bad and it would escalate to violence with her throwing and slamming doors. My mom didn’t know how to handle it so she would lock my sister outside and my sister would bang on the doors screaming at my mom to let her back in.

Flash to now us in our 30’s and our mom has not grown up much.

She talks about how I should be put on Xanax despite me telling her I don’t want benzos and the issues my other meds I’ve tried have all caused me.

My sister loves my mom and I am left with this horrible picture of her now resurfacing.

Between being called a *** by my mom in high school when I of course was being a sexual deviant and exploring and then getting pregnant shortly after I graduated high school, being forced to have an abortion while in high school, I’m pretty over it.

Childcare has a wait list so I don’t have many options at this point.

I don’t even know what to think about all of this at this point because people have made it seem like I shouldn’t be mad about it because she is free childcare. I’m tired of dealing with this. I don’t even know what to do.