Unwanted

I start to feel anxiety for the first time in my life after my partens told me they won't support me financially anymore. My studies start to "drop down", I lost concentration and I start to worry too much about getting a job to have money. I start to have an anxiety disorder but I was not conscious about it so I keep on studing my career and searching for a job and finally, I couldn't make the finals because every time I went to the place my blood pressure went down. So I quitted. At the same time I was passing through a lot in my personal-family life: I was sexually harassed by my 2 brothers-in-law, and I felt guilty, and aweful, and dirty, and I wanted to kill myself but I only thought about it. Gosh, I read myself right know I can't believe I passed through all this by myself with anyone's help. After having strong fights with my mother who always picked a fight with me (in that time she was stressed because she was bullyied by a boss of her), and hurted me a lot with her words, I confessed to her what my bros-in-law made me: she answered me to not to tell her which one of them did it, because otherwise she wouldn't be avaible to face them. I felt terrible, I felt she picked my sisters' wellness sacrificing mine. After a year, I fought with my dad (because that day died my 15 years old pet, and he was so insensitive about my condition) so I yelled at him and told him everything, and he never told me anything about it since then. Everything in my home keeps the same. It's like nothing ever happen. It's like that ALWAYS with anything.

My anxiety just got worse, I had no money for psycologists, and to be honest, I saw 4 during those stressfull days and they were all useless, except for one but he was too expensive.

I thought I was doing better after I got a job, but then I had to quite since they were abusing me. See the problem here?
The truth is, I feel nervous while I wait to a doctor's apoitment, I feel nerveous to talk in public (well, that one is more common), I feel nerveous in situations I can't even anticipate, which is difficult to make a list. And as the cherry of the cake: I suffer of a strong PMS, for what doctors has no answer and not even investigate deeper. This means that during 10 days every month I suffer: emotional stress, depression, melancholy, rage, anger, low blood pressure, pain inside the muscles, weakness (I can't exercise), etc.

How do I deal with all of this? Family issues, being in broke, being some-how ill.... I frankly don't know.

I make Pilates 2 days at week, I started to make ballet for adults those same days. I'm learning a new language, and doing a course of oratory (love it), I have several hobbies: korean drama critic, singing, play the piano, draw... I love to watch stars at night, etc.
I know how to appreciate life: trees, birds, sunshine, cold weather, cocoa, laundry, brething, smiling, laughing... joking around has been one of my best tools.

Unfortunally, I'm afraid that one day I just will get tired of standing those 10 days every month, because I have to use such a strength to cope with it in a way that don't get in the way of normal life/behavior.
Because it's getting me tired...
will I ever get used to it in a way that I won't get tired anymore? Is it that possible?
I respect my body and that's why I don't wanna hurt it, it's like it doesn't deserve it.

If you ask me what I want, it's really easy to say: someone to love me and support me the same way I can do.
But, it's not under my control, so there's nothing I can do to make that person appear. And I accept that, and even if I want it with all my heart, I just don't push the situation because it has no use of course.

To finish: I know my blood family would be there in a worse case scenario (me terribly sick in a hospital for example), but that's it.

I just want to erase all my bad memories: my abusing ex-husband, my memories about my humiliation moments, my bros-in-law harassing me, me being stupid unable to stop them, etc.-----I want to forget ALL of that. That would be great... but not possible, not at least in the way I want.

That's how I got here, by chance searchng once in one of those 10 days. And I come here once in a while to remind me things.