food, break-ins, meeting people.

i have a lot of things going on and anxiety is just one of them, but right now it's on my mind and i need to vent about it.

anxiety makes you want to stay with it and never get better, like depression. i don't want to get rid of my anxiety, because it protects me. from dying of anaphylaxis, from someone breaking in at night, from embarrassing myself. i want to get rid of it, but only if these things disappear too. i can't risk it.

i can't eat new foods without panicking, ever since an allergic reaction 2 years ago, though i've had many allergic reactions in my life including a near death one. every night i get anxious because i think someone is going to or has broke in, ever since an incident. and because my anxiety makes me have a hard time speaking with people, i mess up more, which just makes me more and more anxious about talking.

today i had a panic attack because i had to eat from a restaurant i've never had. my parent claimed i was just trying to get attention. i got anxious because of something that i'm pretty sure proves there's someone lurking around outside the house at night, but i'm not sure if it really happened or i'm delusional, because of what happened during the incident. and i relapsed after 8 days sh free (long time for me). so y'know, not a good day.

anxiety is kinda ruining my life. i can't sleep at night because of it some nights, and the other nights i can't sleep because i'm keeping myself up on my phone to distract my thoughts or for who knows why. i'm going to have to decline any time someone asks me to restaurant i've never been, or to try a new food (probably won't happen anytime soon because of social anxiety -> lack of friends). it stopped me from getting a job because i was too scared to call back and do an interview and mess up.

on the good side, i ended up eating that meal i had a panic attack over today, and i made a friend recently for the first time in 3 years (hopefully it lasts, but my expectations are low). i'm not having nightly panic attacks like i used to and i'm not having health anxiety anymore.

but now, i'm self-harming more, i'm not keeping up in school. thoughts of worthlessness are less, but hopelessness is more. i'm more confused about and hate myself more for my lgbt identity. i can't remember to do anything or get myself to do anything. i skip meals often without realizing it or sometimes because i just don't care enough about myself. i guess depression has taken over as the bigger problem, but i'm not gonna say anxiety is getting better or worse. it has ruined a lot of things for me in the past and continues to now.

im at a dead end in terms of getting help, so at this point all i can do is tell my computer all my problems and try to distract myself.

i don't really expect anyone to read this, i just needed to vent. if you did read this and it doesn't make sense or is just written poorly, sorry, its 5 am and i havent slept. hopefully it's comprehensible. sorry if i wrote way too much.