just a normal day

i hate the space between waking up and becoming aware you're awake.

the world doesnt stop for you.

i cant help that my first instinct is to hide.

i didnt want to wake up today.

i feel like the pillows are smothering me, angry i'm abandoning them for the suffering of the outside world.

youre just going to come running home again.

when i do manage to escape their grasp i drag myself through the routine of reducing the risk of anxiety.

a sweatshirt to hide myself in.

even on the easy days, i end up in the bathroom stall more than in a desk.

why do you even go anymore?

they keep staring at me when i come back, im sure someone heard me silently fighting the panic attack in the stall.

this is why no one wants you.

please just let me go home, i plead, arrange appointments with any one of my various trauma counselors. anything to escape this panic.

just another day the principal will throw in your face.

- r.m.