rethinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships. The kind of people i want close to me in my life. I know I need to be more discerning in choosing people, but also I need to foster better communication with the ones that I do have.

Part of this process is learning how to project my own self-love and self-respect. I think that once I do that, I won't tolerate behavior that is a detriment to my life, and others will be able to see that and won't try ahaha.

I need to stop hiding as well. I've had a lot of years of trying to make myself likeable, and by doing that I have stifled parts of myself that make me happy. I need to embrace them more fully, and let others decide if they wanna stick around or not. And if they don't, there will always be others that will appreciate me for who I am. Those spots will have opened up.

My new set of friends have taught me a lot about that. And i love them for it. I have been learning so much about letting myself be what i used to perceive as "selfish" but what it really was was "genuine" and caring for my own needs. Protecting my space and my energy. I don't want to hang on every opinion that others have about me, and then base my worth on that. I have to find it within myself, and say "fuck it" to everyone else.

I used to be so scared of being a bad person. But i know now that being good or bad isn't a solid, objective thing. It's a cumulation of efforts, it's about integrity and honesty and caring. it doesn't matter if you say the "right" things, it matters if you hurt others or not. It matters if you show up, if you try, if you do what you say you're going to do. And that's a lot easier than being right all the time and never doing anything that could be perceived as wrong. Because everyone's values are different, and people disagree on things, and you will never get there if you don't have your own measuring stick.

it's been a long road of suffering and trying things, but it's getting clearer and clearer to me when i am betraying myself. And it's starting to feel bad when i do, which is a good thing. I want to have a negative association with self-betrayal. So that I can continue forward in ways that don't feel like that. I want to be proud of who i am and what i like, who i like, and what I stand for.

I don't have time for competition and unnecessary drama. I only want people in my life who care about me, and are willing to meet me in the middle. I know relationships aren't all easy. It takes work to build things with people. And i would love the opportunity to do so with people who want the same thing. Who can work on themselves and show up for others out of compassion.

I don't know where I am at the moment, but I know I'm not where I was, and I'm proud of that.