stop blaming myself
hi everyone
so, i am being a bit mad/sad/disappointed at myself because i think i screwed up a chance i had to get a scholarship...
when i got called to go talk to the scholarship lady i was very very anxious and nervous, i couldn't stop shaking my legs and look nervous while talking to her, she kept asking if i was okay and that just made me more nervous, and then i had to run after some documents and i freaked out for a while (i don't think she saw me freaking out, i was far away from her office)
i can "forget" about it most days, but whenever someome mentions it or something related to it i get sad and want to blame myself
anyway, i didn't get the scholarship and i discovered a girl with grades worse than mine got it, and they never said why i didn't get it, so i started to assume it was because i was super anxious during the "interview" that day and screwed it up.
i'm trying to get over it and tell myself it wasn't my fault, that it isn't my fault i got anxious, but i keep thinking it was my fault, if could've managed it better i'd get the scholarship... i can't help not be disappointed at myself, but keep thinking like this is making me get bad again, and i definitely don't want be bad again, but i'm afraid this will get out of control, i don't know what to do...
@0985
Two years ago, when I was applying to medical school I was very mentally unwell. I wasn't working, wasn't eating, generally wasn't doing much at all. I didn't prepare for the entrance tests, for a while I just told my teachers I didn't want to go to university. I really wasn't in the right place to be applying and unsurprisingly I was rejected by my dream school. (I did actually get a place to study medicine somewhere, miraculously, I was very very lucky that I scraped my way in).
People I know got into that university to study other subjects. I know people applying there right now. Everytime I hear about the school it hurts because I think 'If I had been well, maybe that would have been me. I could be there now.'
We can't beat ourselves up about this though. I did the best with what I could. It was a horrible situation to be in, but I could not help my mental illness. It's not as simple as 'I should have tried harder' because I was at my limit as it was, fighting something else. I had no spare capacity to work on applying to university because I was consumed by depression and anxiety.
You do not need to beat yourself up about it either, you should not be disappointed in yourself. It's not your fault you struggle with anxiety and that this got in the way of your application. I'm sure if you could magic away your anxiety in that moment you would have. Try and be understanding of yourself, you did the best you could in very difficult circumstances and for that I am proud of you. I'd suggest finding someone, a school consellor, a listener here, a parent, to talk this through with, it sounds like it's really on your mind and you could do with some support <3 If possible, try to find someone, whether a doctor or counsellor, who can help you find some strategies to manage your anxiety, so that in future, you will find it easier to cope in those kinds of situations.
@EtaAlpha
hi, thank you for replying :) i was seeing a therapist and im on anxiet meds
i havent gone to the psychologist in a couple of months (i missed one appointment, then she was sick, and then i came to my parent's city for vacations..), but i know i have to come back, i notice how much difference it makes... all this scholarship thing hapenned around agust, and i was able to 'ignore' it for most of the time, i started thinking about it again last week cause i was was talking about it with my uncle and my girlfriend (who got the scholarship) and i guess because i'm on vacations and have nothing else to do i started worrying about it again
i have an appointment for the beggining of the year with the psych, and i think the meds are working, today after writing the post i wanted to punch a wall (i did it last week, and hurt my hand a bit) but instead i put some songs i like in the maximum volume and started singing alone :) i'm feeling calmer now, and thanks again for replying, your answer rly helps
@0985 I'm not sure how things are today, but back in 2003 when I applied for a grant for college, I was nervous for the interview and hesitated through a few questions. They mainly based my eligibility for the grant on my grades in high school and I also had to do community service for this company that helps out the poor and disabled and my ACT scores. I highly doubt it had anything to do with you being a little nervous. I'm sure there are many other scholarships/grants that you can apply for? Don't let this one shut you down. Go to school! Do something great with your life! I am very happy that you have taken the first step! :)
@TransAm85
thanks for replying! i guess sometimes is just a bit hard to understand and accept the anxiet problems.. im sure i did everything i could and you are right, this is not the only scholarship and the only chance in the world, so i just have to keep trying :)
@0985 This is definitely not the only scholarship available. Just keep on applying for different ones. Some you may have to pay back, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Whatever degree you are interested in getting, just remember that you are doing something so great for your future. I don't want you to end up doing what I do hun. I am a mechanic and I get dirty everyday. I screwed up college b/c I was too busy partying and worried about boys. So I went to a tech college and got a mechanic license. I was going to be a pharmacist but I kept failing the pharmaceutical calculations class. I gave up. You have a bright future my dear, so take it! :)