vent
im so tired of crying because i dont fit in, i never have since i was really young its getting embarrassing, you would think the bullying and getting called weird to this day would have stuck by now. each day i have to come up with another new list of things i need to stop doing so i dont feel so naive and like everyone’s little sister all the time. even with b i love her so much but ive never felt like i was her equal at all, she’s very mature and has life experience and knowledge that i dont (with some of it being the result of trauma im not jealous or romanticizing we just dont measure the same and therefore theres a maturity gap in our friendship) ive always felt stupid around her, she knows a majority of what i don’t and i feel so genuinely dumb and childish when i hang around her, every time she has to chastise me or tell me that no one does that, that’s not how that works, what are u taking about, you’re never supposed to do that, etc i feel so dumb. i appreciate someone telling me what im doing wrong but like the list never seems to end and i feel like i genuinely don’t know anything at all. i’m now scared every time we hang out because what am i doing wrong now is everything im doing normal and am i okay. i’ve gotten slightly better but it’s just frustrating. i hate not feeling like me and my best friend are on the same level and like im the stupid little sister or kid she brings with her and tolerates. and i can see that she’s tired of me too, for years she’s had to use a harsher tone when speaking to me and i can always tell when she’s fed up with me because i overreacted overthunk and made a big deal out of another thing. i’ve contemplated ending our friendship for over a year and a half now too because it does hurt my feelings when she gets mad at me and i feel again so stupid and naive around her i just want to spare her. i’ve even started getting mad because why can i just be normal everytime she has to say something it’s like why did i have to do that and ruin things again, just be normal like everyone else. things just always feel tense between us and i know it’s my fault everytime for not knowing and then she gets mad at me for getting upset too. i wish i could be normal enough to where she could feel like im one of her other friends and could have a normal chemistry with who she could talk to who she doesn’t have to lecture on every mistake and every new life experience. but my feelings aren’t even valid, i cry so much now anything will set me off so me being upset is just me using my victim mindset overthinking and being over sensitive all the time. i’ve started cutting myself because of it too and i honestly deserve it too. i am the childish person that everyone everyone makes fun of and i literally cannot just chill out. i have to cut myself because what the *** am i doing, i genuinely deserve it and need to punish myself because i have to remind myself somehow to learn and know better. i cant even be there for her ive gotten too comfortable and vented to her all the time to the point she says she’s tired of it and rightly so, and she probably never feels comfortable venting to me or talking to me because im so self absorbed and she’s always a private and much stronger person than i am. she has genuine issues and here i am with “i feel worthless” “look at me” “don’t always use a judging tone with me” she probably wants to slap me across the face for complaining when she has issues that are tenfold of what i deal with. her mental physical and basically every aspect of health has worsened since freshman year even and she stays strong she moves forward doesn’t complain like i do all the time and is mature about it. im trying to be more mindful now because i genuinely cannot keep bothering her with my stupid nonsense. i also need to text her less i need to be less clingy and annoying, it’s why she feels she can’t date sometimes bc more than one clingy person is too much in her life. if she read this she would probably get *** too and say she was never mad at me and again im overthinking and making a big deal out of nothing, and that this is all nothing then i would confess that her tone hurts me and then she’s going to get mad try to be nicer, but then things won’t be normal what kind of friend am i where she would have to tiptoe around my stupid *** feelings because i can’t handle criticism. things are just going to be more awkward and worsen from there i just hope she never finds this because i need to stop stressing her out i need to stop bothering her and it is that serious because ive been a terrible friend and person to her. i wish all the time that i could end our friendship because she deserves better and im tired of trying and failing all the time. even with my cutting when it comes to this or any situation im basically performative with it at this point i dont cut deep enough to feel real pain, yet think i deserve it all and like ive done so good cutting myself so much. i need to build up my tolerance for cutting, and then end all my friendships, anyone reading this is probably laughing at how self deprecating i am and how “me me me” and “poor me” i am, but im just tired of having things to complain about and living. i can’t change my personality or who i am ive tried, im just tired of this and dont feel any passion, will or need for living anymore. at this point i would just agree as people laughed at me. i don’t even have serious mental issues and im not saying that out of comparison i just objectively don’t and need to move on. i’m genuinely so tired of living and i don’t even want to get better, again i just want to get worse enough to where i actually take some responsibility and action for even being alive. the only reason i ever try to heal is so that i look normal, and people don’t make fun of me even more for not taking the responsibility of healing
@cerise2907Hi there, thank you for sharing here. This sounds really painful to carry. And I am sorry you are feeling all this. I can hear how exhausted you are from feeling like you have to constantly monitor yourself and earn your place with the people around you. It sounds really heavy and difficult feeling like you are wrong for making mistakes or experiencing awkward moments. I can hear how hard you can be on yourself in this, and that itself can be a lot on anyone. <3
I just want to say that you don’t deserve pain, it sounds like you are overwhelmed and trying to cope with a lot of heavy emotions alone. I can hear the anxiety and worry of being too much for others, and being rejected. That is not easy to go through, it sounds like you are aware of a lot and wrestling with insecurities. <3
I think you deserve some compassion for what you are going through, it is not easy connecting with others and making friends, and friendships are supposed to feel safe, not leave you constantly questioning yourself. <3 You are allowed to not always get things right, or to struggle, make mistakes or overthink. A lot of us are like this ourselves, you are learning, like we all are. <3
It is okay to not be okay, to struggle with a lot and feel weighed down. Your feelings are real and deserve to be seen and understood. <3
If you ever wanted to chat, please do reach out for support, you should not have to carry this alone. <3
@cerise2907
Hey.
I read every single word of this. All of it.
Honestly? My heart just... sank. Because reading this, I don't see someone who's 'stupid' or 'childish' or 'performative.' I see someone who is in so much pain they can't see straight right now.
That feeling of never fitting; carrying that from childhood all the way to now? That is exhausting. You're constantly monitoring yourself, making lists, trying to be 'normal' so you don't annoy B... that must feel like you're walking on eggshells inside your own head, all day, every day.
When you say you feel like a burden, it hurts. I can tell you genuinely love B, and you're terrified of losing her, but the way you're punishing yourself for just existing around her is breaking my heart. You're a great person for having feelings. You're a human who's hurting.
You mentioned cutting, and that you feel like you don't even do it 'right.' That part hit me hard. It sounds like you're trying to find some kind of control, or maybe just make the inside pain match the outside, even if it feels 'performative' to you. That doesn't make you fake. That makes you desperate for some kind of relief.
And the worst part? You said you don't even want to get better; you just want to get worse so you can take responsibility. Which is really telling me that you feel so guilty for just being alive that you think you have to punish yourself to deserve to exist. It's really a very deep thing to carry alone.
You've been trying to handle this all only by yourself. You're tired. You're so incredibly tired. And I want you to know: you don't have to have 'serious mental issues' for your pain to count. This is serious. This is real. You are not overreacting at all.
I don't have the power to fix your problem. I'm just here to say: I see you. And I hear the exhaustion in your voice. Above all, I am really glad you typed this out instead of keeping it locked in you. You deserve to have someone witness this pain without judging you. 💙"
@cerise2907 I hear how completely exhausted, overwhelmed, and heartbroken you are right now. The weight of carrying constant self-criticism, feeling like you don't fit in, and navigating such a painful, tense dynamic with someone you love has brought you to a place of intense emotional pain.
@cerise2907
Thank you for sharing all of this and it sounds incredibly heavy, and I’m really sorry you’ve been carrying it alone for so long. Given everything you’ve been through, it makes sense that you’re feeling this way. You’re not a failure, and you don’t have to handle this by yourself. I’m here to listen.