work anxiety

10 years ago i was fired from my first job for no reason. i used to have this underlying anxiety even before it happened, “what if i get fired for no reason? i’m doing my best, but it could happen.” i believe i was suffering from some sort of undiagnosed anxiety at the time, but i had no opportunity to discuss it with anyone. i worked at a small venue as a bartender whilst at college. i loved it because i got to see all these great artists for free. one day a friend asked if i could cover their shift, to which i agreed. i later got a text from him, saying that our manager refused the request because i no longer worked there. i tried to contact my manager to ask what was going on but he didn’t answer his phone. he text me the next day simply saying that i would get a letter. the letter essentially said that because i was still on my probation period my contract could be terminated without explanation. i was banned from the club. when i asked my old colleagues about the decision, they were just as confused as me. i couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened. it was a strange sort of proto-act of hyperstition. whenever i used to overthink it, i got the sense of this huge black hole swirling above my head, and i’d feel a coldness run through my bones

since then i’ve worked in several different jobs, and there hasn’t been one where i feel this anxiety creep up whenever something small happens. whilst i was at college i had several bad bar jobs, and my partner at the time would chastise me for not sticking to it, a little like my dad. though my mum was always supportive, encouraging me to put my happiness first. i also saw a counsellor through my college, but i wasn’t really able to divulge why i was feeling so anxious. we spoke more about my partner. at the time, she was struggling emotionally. her dad was ill. she used to abuse me emotionally. i could never fight back because i believed at the time that i was in love. i was working in a hotel at one point, where i would often get back late. our sex life deteriorated and i was shouldering a lot of the pain she held and that she was causing. i wasn’t sure to what extent the work anxiety was causing the job, but i know it wasn’t helping the relationship or my role at work.

fast forward to march 2020. i was working in my previous role, a support worker, helping people with disabilities get access to care and advocacy services. i started a few months before the pandemic, and i was eventually working in a very tiny room with little or no contact from anyone to support me. i dealt with some difficult cases and worked myself to death, fearing the worst if i underperformed. luckily, i was able to access a short term course of counselling, and had a great counsellor who i was able to speak to in great depth about my work and it’s relationship to the anxiety, and an unexplored traumatic experience from my first relationship, etc. we both shared the same philosophical interests. i know i should have made an effort to continue it. i felt that we were really getting somewhere. but i don’t know if solving mental health is a destination or a journey. i’d prefer it to be the former but perhaps by nature of the dynamics of life, it must be the latter. plus, i knew the service was probably extremely overwhelmed; the provider or counselling didn’t at any point suggest or give the option for it to continue. but i did feel like i made progress. i felt as though practices of mindfulness, for me at least, could only do so much in the face of uncertainty, and when lots of worries of mine are caused by things mote out of than in my control. i took up meditation, started engaging with my hobbies more, and made an effort to make myself more happy. but the work was so emotionally exhausting, extremely underpaid, and pigeonholed me to the extent that there was no prospects for career development. i felt boxed inside my little room constantly. nothing would change that

things are a bit better now. i live with friends and we recently got a sweet cat. and i’m working a job as a researcher that i really enjoy. but the work anxiety remains. i’ve only been there 3 weeks, but i am terrified at the unrealistic deadlines that my manager sets. the job is also tied to an extremely awkward, delicate social situation that is outside of my control. i feel uncomfortable discussing the specifics of it with any of my friends and family, it’s a long story, but it’s building up in my head and sometimes i feel like i’m going to have some kind of haemorrhage.

im really looking for some support. should i try to reach out to my previous counsellor to unravel this further? my friend at work said to not worry about the deadlines, no one sticks to them anyway and i’m doing a good job so far. i just really don’t want to lose this opportunity. research is probably one of the only things i’m useful for, and i desperately need the money. i often feel like i have to have my life in order or feel genuinely happy before i could ever start seeing someone. i feel really alone in all of this at the moment, i’m dying to discuss it with someone but i’m unsure where to turn. in a frenzy of a panic attack i found this app and subsequently this forum

to anyone who has made it this far, i really appreciate you taking the time to read this. i felt so worried today about the fact that it’s going to be monday soon. and it’s only saturday! it hurts me to read of the difficult things that people are grappling with at the moment. i find it really difficult to share things with my family and friends recently. they’re always busy or dealing with their own things. im hoping to find the right support soon, and hopefully feel more comfortable in my job and with myself