Any other martyrs here?

Hi y'all. I'm kind of a martyr & idk if that's a good thing. I really like helping ppl. It's the only thing that feels real to me. Everything else is so superficial. Anyway I'm not into getting credit. That just leads to drama. But idk if it's just that or there's more. When I was little I was starved for attention. I got picked on a lot & wanted to be accepted but now ik popular isn't loved. Then I went through this phase where I wanted to be invisible & isolated. I still kinda hate attention & I get a lotta my self-worth & empowerment from being self-sufficient & not depending on anyone, especially not too much on 1 person. I love rescuing ppl. I like to be the one who's there when no one else is, change their life. Batman is my role model haha. If only I had more determination to work out maybe I could be like that someday haha. Anyway I've known I'm different for a long time & for the most part think it's a good thing. It's good to want something different than what everyone else wants. More unpopular flavored cake for me haha. I like helping ppl w/o them noticing or knowing who I am. I love helping ppl online & I've also found some ways to make $ from online creative work w/o having to put your name on it. But I've recently realized sometimes that connection knowing who you are helps ppl more. It's easier to skip the small talk & make real connections online even if it's short-lived but it's so amazing when it happens in the real world too. People who are openly kind tend to attract each other. I used to attract ppl who were up to no good since I wasn't good at communicating & I coped w/ bad jokes acting so random ppl wouldn't know how I was actually feeling. At 1st it was an adventure but then it got sketch. Now I have more time for friends who inspire me to be a better person & I wish I hadn't wasted so much time w/ that other crowd. But I kinda miss my old life too. I'm misunderstood anyway & I kinda miss embracing it. I miss not caring if ppl understand & laughing at how confused & creeped out ppl were about me. I miss scaring ppl off for fun. Just sucks that many ppl who find it hilarious are actually up to no good. Ik it was immature but it was fun & made me happy. But then there was this empty feeling from having no real friends. Now I have real friends but I kinda miss being the ghetto chic who couldn't be offended. Ppl would call me crazy & I'd act even crazier. Now I realize how degrading that was. But the other option sucks too: standing up to them or ignoring them but deep down replaying all the other mean things ppl said. I don't like being so sensitive and seeing everything that's messed up about the world. I go around thinking of ways to improve everything around us. I'm way more productive & helpful now but also emotionally & mentally exhausted sometimes. Not that I wasn't before. But I miss laughing at the world & acting like idc. Ik that's messed up to say but I hate how I'm getting anxious about more things now. I try to tell myself what's good for me eg how the bomb threat at a nearby school was probabably some kid tryna avoid finals which is probably true but I can't stop reading between the lines about everything. Getting out of my apartment feels good but at the same time almost every human interaction triggers something. I'm way too sensitive & emotional even though I try not to show it. I'm also starting my career & idk how to act about that. I used to be this robot who'd just do a good job & work hard to be really competent. Works in school, not the real world. They want a real person who makes ppl feel good. I can do that & want to. I loved working as a tutor but idk what's too unprofessional for a professional job. I break all the social rules w/ my friends & don't care. Idk how to act "normal." Therefore I attract a lotta ppl who are up to no good in the real world. Then there are the guys who only see girls as objects :( Anyway idk how to be myself w/o saying too much. Ppl say I make it all about me & overshare. Idk what normal is. I see some ppl being total jerks & others telling their life story to everyone. Idk what professional is & idk how to act professional w/o coming off like a cockey jerk. I frequently get sick of all this social stuff & wanna go back to how I used to be. But then I like my new life too. Aah so conflicted. Haha this is probably hilarious from an outside perspective. It's pretty hilarious to me too. Anyway idk if I'd be happier just going back to being the distant kid who sits in the corner & does random acts of kindness when no one's looking. I'm so moody & dunno what I want. I can tell ppl find me unstable & I don't want to be. I'm sick of changing my mind all the time & feeling like a different person every yr. It's been for the better for the most part but idk anyone else as inconsistent as me & idk if I'd even like someone like me. Anyone else have similar experiences?