First friend ever, not used to it!
Being an introvert is so hard when the world is ruled by people who refuse to consider the concept of personal space. I do still live with my mom because times are tough. Here's the real issue: I want friends, but I don't want to be accessible 100% of the time. I've always had trouble saying "no" to people as it is, and now my mom is forcing me into social interactions and she's passive-aggressively shaming me for setting boundaries and bullying me into going here and there with so-and-so. Sometimes I need at least a day to recover from a full day of one-on-one bonding with someone I dont know too well to reclaim my sense of inner peace, I get so wired and sometimes have visceral feelings of anxiety like touches of nausea because I get a little freaked out if Im too available and people want ALL of my free time on ALL of my days off so I cant make my own plans or have a day to watch shows or go down to the beach or somewhere. Sometimes I need to stay at home and just be calm because I have enough general anxiety and now building my schedule around eager people is shaking me up a little bit because Ive literally never had friends in my life??? And its new to me, to Im NOT used to it at all and shes a nice girl and I like her but I still want some personal boundaries to feel space. But the idea of a sleepover kind of makes me want to panic in a claustrophobic way because I dont know how comfortable Id be somewhere else overnight. Im afraid to disagree with this girl on music in case she thinks Im boring, I dont want to go out buying candy and junk food (my mom pushes a lot of unhealthy food on me as it is and I just ?? dont like people expecting me to eat things I try to avoid and I want to socialize but I dont wanna gain weight for it?????) and sometimes I just feel panicky and like Im losing my sense of control over myself/my own life/how much say I have in it because in my situation Im EXPECTED to conform and EXPECTED to be a people-pleaser and give others what they want. And its dizzying to me that my parents did everything in their power to overprotect & overshelter me, but now that Im an adult and protecting myself and trying to stay true to my boundaries theyre weirded out by that? And mocking and shaming me for not wanting to go out sometimes and its completely backwards and I dont know what to make of all this. I guess Im just overwhelmed because I wasnt popular in high school so even just one person wanting to do things constantly seems a little wild to me because I got so used to enjoying my own company. And I have fun with her but so far its been in short 3 to 4 hour doses. Then I start to get a little nervous/edgy (even though Im too nice to let even a second of that show) and even in my own house more plans are already being made and I just feel like my personal agenda gets walked right over??? What if I wanted to do something on my own? LOL, but people dont do that and I guess that makes me a weird alien or something. Im comfortable with a little at a time, not too much at once, baby steps??? But my mom is acting like thats not okay and shes bullying me into doing whatever the other girl wants to do by calling me lazy/implying that Im ridiculous for wanting otherwise. You cant just sit at home all the time!1!1!1″ Um, why not? At least Im not getting wasted and wild???? Shouldnt she be happy that Im not engaging in risky behavior all conservative white parents fear so terribly? I personally think my moms attitude towards me is a little insensitive, but Im wondering if IM oversensitive for being a little hesitant to drop everything and follow this girl anywhere, anytime on my every day off. I guess Im afraid of losing my autonomy. But with all of this at once, I feel like Im on the edge of a panic attack and I want to hide somewhere in a quiet cave of solitude and breathe until I can breathe again. Im super stressed, I like structure and routine in my life and Im not used to having my whole life rearranged so quickly. Having someone who wants my attention in real life is nice, but its super hard to say no because shes one of the more extroverted types and shes sweet but her presence is very strong and I feel almost compelled to agree with her suggestions. And if I ask my mom for advice? She scoffs and gives me your typical narcissist line intended to make me feel embarrassed about my social divergence/weakness. Im so confused and not really in my comfortable space at all these days. Online? Come at me, I can interact forever. Up close and personal exchanges are a little more daunting for me. Its almost foreign territory after the life Ive lived and I dont know how to feel but I cant help but feel bad about the way I feel because my whole family seems to want to push me even further into it.
???
@stydia
Interacting with others for long periods of time can be extremely draining! It's absolutely acceptable to want to have at least control over your life - I doubt anyone really expects you to be available all of the time for them unless something urgent/important pops up. If something is not within your comfort zone, don't be afraid to say no, share some of your worries, or ask for some time to think it over! It might be helpful for you to grab a schedule book to see whether each interaction is very close to another - not only can this help you decide whether or not to go out again, it may help destress you a little, seeing your schedule visually. You mentioned you like routine - perhaps asking this friend whether it'd be better for you two to go out on certain days of the week only might help? This not only helps you figure out what days you have to yourself, but also helps her organise her scheldule easier if she wants to put in other activities into her scheldule. If you're up for it, you could mention to her how exhausting any sort of outing is for you, and you prefer short interactions as opposed to longer ones :o Friendship should not be something that causes you great stress - your time out with friends should be enjoyable, if anything! You mention that you're afraid to disagree with this girl when it comes to music, for fear that she'll think you're boring - Is a friendship of this type the sort you want, being dishonest with yourself and her when it comes to the absolute basics of yourself - your likes/dislikes? :o It's okay to disagree sometimes - we aren't clones of one another; we aren't expected to share the exact same likes and dislikes as one another. It sounds like your mom's way of doing things/her suggestions also cause you a considerable amount of stress. Have you talked to your mom about how the items you mentioned makes you feel? She might not know you're trying to avoid junk food because you don't want to gain weight, for example.
@TheCoatimundi My mom does know I'm trying to avoid junk food and she intentionally pushes it on me (frozen meals from the store that I DON'T ask for, rice dishes when I ask her not to buy me rice because I will not eat it and she'll be wasting money, carbs, starch starch starch, bread, etc. I like to cook my own meals from natural ingredients and prepare them myself, bring fruits and nuts (and cacao) with me if I'm going out or having a late morning-noon shift at work, etc. but I think my mom is jealous because when she thinks I'm not around she'll e-mail her sister moaning about how fat she is and how gross she feels but she calls me anorexic and says harsh things about how "scary-skinny" I am (4'11", approximately 92 lbs. I'm very short, I don't need to weigh quite as much as the average 23 year old woman who's at least 5'3"). I think my mom wants me to be more like everyone else in the family so she doesn't feel bad about herself, so she's attempting to brainwash me into thinking I'm starving so I'll eat more food and less healthily. I don't work out, I don't do crazy diets, I just eat when necessary and avoid heavily processed items. If I were living in the woods, I'd survive off of nuts and fruits and berries and any vegetation I can find, right? I apply the same logic to reality. No one seems to understand that 1. This way is better for me as I USED to be overweight with no education on nutritional value, etc. and 2. It actually saves so much money! I'm not the kind of person who NEEDS to grab a soda everywhere I go or HAS to be eating something in order to function socially. Everyone acts like it's bizarre, alien-like behavior and it makes me uncomfortable but I still try to ignore it and do my thing so that I don't crack under pressure. But I've noticed this girl gets quiet if I don't agree with her music tastes or don't know an artist she loves, or after a whole day of hanging out she'll Facebook me all night long until I announce that I'm going to sleep. It is a bit draining. But as I implied, my mom is very domineering and likes to take control of everything and it doesn't give me much breathing space as it is. I think she's more excited I finally have a friend than I am (I'm very MELLOW and LOWKEY, I got used to my own company and began to enjoy it) and she doesn't understand that solitude is not synonymous for loneliness. I think her behavior is a little age-inappropriate for me now and she keeps suggesting that I do everything everywhere with this girl and include her in every aspect of my life now and she told me to tell this girl that she's "so happy we found each other as friends". She MADE me send her that in a Facebook message and that feels a little too personal for me. It feels like my mom is arranging and setting up play-dates for me and she literally forced me to have a Facebook conversation with the girl yesterday. Nobody gets that I need a little bit of "me" time to recover and recharge my social battery. I'm not a social creature; I was once talkative and boisterous as a child but that's been beaten out of me by teachers with a year-long detention that forbade talking/interaction to punish me for speaking in class (back in the day when talking in class was a grand offense to the teacher. Now in schools, it's like anything goes and there's no regulation/discipline). I got used to my books and went inside my own little world, and found it much easier than trying way too hard to connect with people I didn't click with. Is it strange that I learned to find happiness that way? Seeing a movie isn't enough for this girl, she wanted me to go to her house after (is that normal? I don't know) and then proceeded to have an all-night Facebook chat with me and continue contact up until the moment I was about to go to sleep. I kind of feel like this is a little clingy/soul-pledging? I just have to breathe, and it's hard to find balance between my extroverted friend and my super-controlling mother who seems to want to take charge in this friendship and manage it instead of me. I feel like I don't have a choice either way and my mom seems to think that I'm going to "lose a friend" if I go ONE DAY sans contact. She threatens me with it, like it's a fate worse than death and I just think my mom is either melodramatic or desperate for friends herself and living vicariously through me. I don't know, I'm trying to understand this from a variety of persepectives but as I said --- either way, I feel trapped and roped into things I'm not ready for. How do I cope with this?