Going Backwards

Hi everyone. I’ve struggled with SAD, depression, and panic attacks for about 11yrs. I went through a lot of rough patches, the worst being when I was 18 and was having serious suicidal thoughts and doing self harming/destructive things. I had a really good support system with my family and my psychiatrist and I got a lot better. Three years ago I weaned myself off my medication because I wanted to see if I could manage on my own. I’ve been on daily medication since I was 14 and I really wanted to try handling things on my own. I know this can be dangerous and I promised my family that I would closely monitor myself and take action if I felt myself going to that dark place again. Well, recently I’ve been seeing some old fears and anxieties, that I had gained control over, resurface. It’s kind of dumb little stuff, like avoiding going to the store by myself. I did have a pretty bad panic attack a few months ago. I really don’t want to have to start taking medication again, but I’m also worried because I know how easily things can get out of control. I’m also struggling with feeling disappointed in myself, because for the past three years, while I haven’t been anxiety free, I was keeping it mostly under control all by myself. I thought I had put the worst behind me. Now I feel like I’m going right back to where I started.