I feel like I cant be an independent adult

Im almost 20 and I get so frustrated with myself because theres very little i can do on my own because of my social anxiety. I cant go shopping or get food or ask someone to move aside if theyre blocking a door. Im afraid to leave the house and if i go out with my family it drains me so bad i dont have the energy to do anything else all day. I cant talk if i dont know exactly what im expected to say and strangers talking to me to ask something will make me cry. Everything that has to do with another person is just so embarassing and difficult for me.

I hate that Im afraid of everything all the time because i can tell in my head that im being silly. But its really hard to not have friends and not be able to do anything outside my house. And I feel horrible because i want so badly to move out away from my family and be on my own in a place thats not full of sadness and fighting but i cant because i cant do anything that a normal person my age can do with zero effort. I feel like my only choices are push myself past my limits over and over again every day to do what everyone else is always always going to see as the bare minimum and just be constantly suffering or live a sad boring life where nothing ever changes. I already missed out on so much as a kid and as a teenager and now I just want to be able to live my life how i want to and i cant.

And the worst part is my brain wont let me get help because like everything fucking else im terrified of it. And nobody in my family quite gets it. They pretend they do but they still just think I can power through it or if I keep trying eventually Ill get over it. But my mom doesnt understand that every time she forced me to go to the store on my own I had panic attacks and cried in the car on my way back and it never got easier. She doesnt get that the reason Im begging her to let me take a break year from college or to drop out it because Ive had so many mental breaks since Ive been here and I cry when I have to email someone and it takes me an hour to hype myself up to go the bathroom down the hall. I know they just think im being dramatic because when they get pissed off they tell me so. And I know I can eventually get to a point where things are a little easier but I just dont know if I can do all that its going to take to get to that point. It just makes me so upset that theres so many people who can do whatever they want and be happy but to even get to a point where i can start trying to have that I have to put myself through hell all the fucking time. But I guess Im just whining at this point.

Idk what the point of this was. I just remade an account on here because I cant talk to my mom about this stuff bc shell just tell me to believe in myself and I dont have friends and Im too panicky for any social media besides an aesthetic tumblr so I guess I just wanted to put this stuff somewhere that wasnt a journal so I can feel a bit better knowing that some other living person can read it. I just want so badly to be over this stuff so I can live my life like a normal adult instead of sitting in my room afraid to answer the door and being embarrassed over things only I see anyway. Its not a very fun way to exist.