I'm panicking

Hello, it's me again. Posting here because I can't share this anywhere else.

I have went a few months without any panic attacks. Well, severe ones, at least. The ones I had (which are more like extreme nervousness rather than panic) were small and typically resolved on their own. Deep breathing, stress balls, and bashing the buttons on my Wii U game pad have been helping me out at times when I feel angsty or whatever.

But, uh, I've hit a blunt. And today I had a severe panic attack, but I know the causes.

So, story time.

My friend and I have been pals for 4 years, ever since the beginning of middle school. She had to move out of my state, and she currently lives across the country from where I live. We've been actively texting ever since, and she is the most wonderful person I've ever met. A few months ago (back in March I believe), she said that she's going to come visit our home state! We're both super excited to see each other after 3 years of separation.

We made plans on how to spend our time together. She wanted to see my house out of curiosity, and that's where the problem came in.

You see, my house is an absolute mess. My parents and I try to keep it clean (mostly me and my mother), but its been hard because my mother is disabled and I've had a lot on my plate for the past few months. Not only is it a mess, but also in the midst of being remodeled, so it looks like a construction project. To make matters worse, we run two businesses in here too, so its filled with business equipment, making it seem like a warehouse. Theres so many unfinished remodeling projects so the house in itself looks off. Our water heater decided to die, so we don't have hot water (we've been boiling hot water and using our nearby gym for showers). In short, it's not visitor friendly.

I didn't want to let my friend down, so told her to let me think about it and I'll decide. I've been trying to clean but...

Today I had a panic attack because I had such a vivid flashback of when an ex-friend of mine pressured me into letting her inside my house to use the bathroom. Theres this one ring on the toilet bowl that I've tried countless times to remove, and she ew'ed at it and went on a rant about it. Then she went to my room and judged it for it not being as organized as hers (organization has always been a severe problem with me) and, again, went on another guilt-tripping rant about it. My room isn't nasty, its just unorganized (theres just stuff everywhere, my desk is a mess, you name it). My bathroom was the same way. It wasn't nasty, just rather unorganized.

Ever since, the memory hasn't left. I have been getting better at staying organized, I suppose. But I still get whims of the memory every now and then (which is the reason why I strive to be as clean as I can, but it's still a struggle) and the moment my friend asked if she can come to my house, the memory replayed itself nonstop in my head. It's like a broken record. The memory felt like it happened yesterday. It's literally scraping itself against my brain. I'm panicking. I took a break from binge cleaning our kitchen to write this since I got all teary eyed and short of breath while washing dishes.

I can hear my friend ew'ing at the same toilet bowl ring that I've been scrubbing at for hours. I can hear her judging the lack of organization skills in my room. Its creating so much fear. I dont want another person saying the same things. It feels like I'm being taken back in time and being force witness that awful memory all over again.

I'm so scared. I told her that we're still working on cleaning it up but... at this point, I'm considering chickening out. I don't know what to do...