Irrational fear of simple devices
Hey,
For a while now I've been stuck on something that most of the listeners just don't want to deal with IR simply reply rudely to.
It is hard to group it as there's no PTSD support forum as far as I know, and I just need to clear my mind from this for a minute.
When I was 8, our old Bauknecht, owned by whirlpool at the time, branded washing machine had a total washer-world breakdown. Flames came out of it on all sides practically. A little later, a mechanic installed a second hand motor into the washer and it was good for a while. Though, the damage had already been done by then I guess.
I was always very afraid of the washing machine for a while after. I was always very attention at the slightest of weird or odd sound it made. I always subtly complained to my mom about it but she said it was normal. I was never very sure though.
Almost two years later and a whole loy of progressively worsening anxiety and paranoia the washer did the same thing all over again. I wasnt all alone but it was very frightening still. I was glad yo know that we were getting a new one though.
The problem is, the new washer didn't solve my distress. It only added onto it. Soon after I began getting paranoid again, I started fleeing the house to try and shake the thought, ...
It honestly doesn't seem to stop there, as with time things still for worse and note complicated.
School was getting increasingly rough, the transgender timeline is extremely hard, and some early childhood traumas don't help that very much.
These days I'm very intensely scared of the boiler too. This very night in particular is the very first night I started even flicking breakers to stop it. It just had to. I went upstairs to flee away but I'm worried. Paranoid.
I can hear the fridge in the background lacking noise and even that is annoying and scary.
I'm currently when downstairs and when the boiler is doing its stuff, getting out of bed almost three times a minute to listen to it. It's being done obsessively and it's something compulsive. I just 'have to do it'.
Putting headphones on to forget about any of the things only makes me want to take them off so I can be attending the cruel that destroys my life.
It's eating me from the inside out. Please, someone, help me. I can't bear it anymore. This is the first thing I've felt suicidal over and now I understand why others might think like that. Please.
Take a seat,
Sincerely,
Anna
@StringsOfPracticality
I'm really sorry, I have little experience in helping people deal with overcoming compulsions or traumatic experiences. There are however a a few small things I wanted to say <3
I'm sorry you've had such a poor response from listeners when reaching out for help. When looking for a listener it might help to use the Browse Listeners function to do a search for listeners experienced in OCD and/or PTSD. You can also filter for 'verified listeners' - listeners who have done a mock-chat with one of our verifiers team to ensure their listening is of a high quality. Here is a filtered search for verified listeners who will take OCD chats.
In the 'Traumatic Experiences' forum catatgory we do have a section for people with PTSD, link here :) There's also a newly created OCD catagory, which you also might find helpful, here!
I have had a quick look around the internet, I found this leaflet, which talks about OCD and dealing with obsessions and compulsions - it mentions 'checking' as a form of OCD: "Another very common form of OCD is checking. This can take many forms such as checking domestic appliances for example, plugs, cookers, electrical goods, and also doors, windows etc" which sounds very similar to what you have described in your post. Here is the leaflet; it also begins to outline what can be done to help overcome these fears and compulsions. I hope you find some of the information in there helpful!
It sounds like these symptoms are having quite a severe impact on your life and quality of life. I'd really encourage you to seek help from your GP or other trusted professional, they'll be able to give you a much more thorough assessment of your symptoms and hopefully find you an effective treatment strategy.
Finally, you mentioned these symptoms are leaving you feeling suicidal. If you do feel like you might take your own life please reach out to a crisis resource such as imalive - the volunteers there are trained in crisis intervention and will be able to give you much better help than we ever will here. This site also has links to suicide hotlines by country. It is very possible to overcome PTSD and OCD, there is so much hope for you, stick with it, you're doing the right thing seeking help. Things will get better.
@EtaAlpha this is a beautiful response. :-)
