Making Steps

Hey folks. I apologise, but this one's likely to be a tl;dr. At essay length, I do not expect you to read everything.

You can scroll to the bottom paragraph if you wish (not reverse psychology, just I've decided to leave a lot of detail in).

The middle bit is history and a couple of things to unload, but I decided to leave it in its raw state and not try and make a shorter post because a part of the problem I have, is being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings, so doing this is a start I guess. I am very much a closed book, I want to try and remedy that. If you take the time to read, then I will salute you and thank you for taking the time to do so.

I am struggling with this anxiety malarkey. It's like there's a massive wall in front of me. For a bit of background, I have a long history of anxiety, but more recent (last couple of years) I've actually known and recognised what it is, but this probably goes back 15 years. I did go get some CBT for what was diagnosed as depression at the time, but through it, it was more apparent anxiety was my biggest issue. I learned some stuff to help and stop it from interfering with things like work - I had a disciplinary hearing before I sought help, I had told them what was going on at the time and they agreed to not discipline me on the basis I get help. I was only able to do that because I was backed in a corner, when I am not backed in a corner, I will just keep it to myself. I have tried using the techniques learned during CBT, which worked for the depression (from 'severe' to 'mild' was good progress), but the anxiety is just a massive wall and my anxiety levels didn't improve, but how I handled them did.

I am fed up of anxiety holding me back and I am determined to kick it in the proverbial [expletive].

But I really suck at being honest about how I feel, about all the things inside my head. I find it very difficult to have that kind of serious conversation and when I do I hold back and try to make light and joke. Unfortunately, I was the same when seeing somebody about CBT. I am the same with my friends, unless I have built so much tension I just need to let it out, at least have on a couple of occassions, but very few out there I would trust seeing that part of me - I think I managed to really worry somebody who I did that too (they encouraged me to). Unfortunately friends I would trust and am more okay with being honest about myself with have been going through shit and often have problems of their own - mentally too and that sits in me before I say how I really am. I generally try to support them and keep them laughing and having somebody to vent to or help pick them up. Of course, 7 Cups of Tea then sounds like a great solution to this, somebody anonymous I can just talk to. But every time I've tried this, I have taken 1 hour to 2 hours just building myself up to it (they're not even exaggerations), I have even started writing a post here multiple times before now and then just not submitted.

I am generally just in constant conflict in my head about doing anything, which has held me back from so much. I just want to tame it.

The last listener I spoke to recommended going back to the doctors and getting back on CBT or something more suitable. I missed 2 sessions following a friend's attempted suicide and due to high demand on the services with the NHS, they don't let you miss too many sessions. I had gone through most of the sessions I was due (in fact, I was given additional sessions and I was into them) But I couldn't bring myself to do it. One of my obstacles is that I still live at home with my parents, it was very difficult trying to juggle the help I was getting without it raising suspicion or being open about it. Why? My mum is one of those, less understanding sorts, yet thinks they're an authority on almost everything and because she's a carer, she will "know best" about anything mental health related, I wouldn't mind so much if there was wisdom that could be offered, but she isn't really one to actually listen, but instead will draw her own conclusions and then tell you what the problem "really" is and dismiss everything else. That is a part of it, avoids stress and arguments I'd rather not have. She will also play the guilt trip, before I did come out with the depression side of things, trying to be positive about it with "what I've done about it" etc. but it turned very awkward and become very difficult, because of the above reasons and because it worried her, because she was really brought down and our conversation depressed the hell out of both of us and following conversations after that. She even had conversations where she'd slip in "you won't do anything stupid, will you?" After that, I was completely silent about it, and still got help, just behind her back. No, I would never do that "stupid" thing, whilst the thoughts have been there, I just couldn't do that to somebody, especially now that I have been put into the position where I have had to help talk somebody (with a couple of others) out of an overdose and to convince them suicide is not the answers, believing their life to now be in your hands and not knowing how you will walk out of it. If he succeeded, I know I would not have been able to live with myself, yet I had nothing to do with his reasons for attempting it. Specific to his situation, the ordeal didn't stop when he survived, the drama that followed was maddening, especially as I was caught between both sides of it, understanding both sides trying to explain to both. And beyond the select few who were a part of said drama, I have not spoken about this. Only my best friend (who knew), about 2 weeks after the event and me dealing with the BS that followed that, I kinda exploded under the stress. Especially as I was still doing my normal day pretending nothing was wrong and still doing my job, despite taking s**t from my seniors and customers (I deal with complaints as a big part of my jobs). She did take the line "why didn't you speak to me sooner?" but I do that. I cannot speak until I have that high amount of stress to the point where I can no longer contain it.

Back to the topic of parents. My dad on the other hand, not so much a problem, much more understanding - though I do not talk to him about it all, just what the problem was and what I want to do about it and that was the only way I managed to get around it without my mum being wise to anything. However, I do not want to risk putting my mum into that position of worrying like that. Last time I was backed into a corner, because of issues at work, but I am no longer in that corner. It seems when I am backed in a corner or at a point where I am about to explode, do I come out.

And now I am worried I could end up that way with work. I have different boss to last time. To talk about recently I have been getting more and more on edge - more so than usual - we went through one of our difficult periods at work, which has surpassed, but did not help. But anxiety has been high. I did have some performance issues at work, but actually managed to push through them. And a promotion came up, I initially decided it was too much hassle and then colleagues bigged me up to go for it, because they believe I would be good at it and think I am due, one of them who held the same role I was going for. They wouldn't take no for an answer, so I applied, and that worried other applicants, because they were convinced I'd be the one to get it. It's a team leader role, so I deal with higher level escalations as well as take care of other agents, given I already do that, I support agents and they often come to me for help/advice and I am good at handling escalations. I can handle angry customers, even if it really plays on my anxiety.Because I know how to calm them. I ended up taking care of the escalations of the department I was applying a team leader role for, because the person who I'd be replacing wasn't able to work their notice. My boss refused to sign off on my application because I am not proactive enough and do not show the leadership needed and the supervisor of said department would need somebody who could support them and she felt I would struggle in that role.

I do not blame her for her conclusion, even if I was disappointed (am I not even worth an interview?), but I recognise that I probably don't "show" an awful lot, as I have for the last year taken the "I am here to do a job, I'll get on with it" approach. This "lack of showing" probably came more apparent just over a week ago, she wanted a "catch up" with me and told me that I did not look happy and was trying to get to the bottom of what's wrong. I decided I would just tell her, that I have anxiety problems and they were causing me problems, I did not elaborate, I expressed that I find it difficult to talk about that sort of thing and she left it open for me to come back to say what I want to do to help it not be problem. In this she had mentioned (before me admitting to anxiety issues) that she is normally good at reading people, and tends to be able to rely on it, but has a clue to know what to make of me. Which resonated with another friend who was similar and told me much the same thing. Maybe this is why she wasn't able to recognise what I am capable of, because she doesn't know what to make of me. I realise I am very shut off and a lot of what goes on is actually in my head. However, proactivity and leadership are two of my qualities - at University, in my own spare time and even a previous job, it's something I've managed to demonstrate strongly (you wouldn't think in running the roleplay group I run that'd I'd have to demonstrate a lot of leadership, but I have ended up having to managed a lot of big mindbending problems - the guy who tried to off himself was in said roleplay group, as an example and said drama was with ex-members of the group, despite all that, I am still running it successfully - the mentioned events were nearly a year ago)- to add I was always in charge of group projects at school (and Uni). In my last year I ended up taking a spoken word society (which me and a friend set up, but the friend was in charge before me), I took the society out of its comfort zone of performing to each other to getting up on stage in front of audiences and got bookings at various places and helped promote the society. With it, we managed to get people who were frightened of standing up to speak in front of crowds, but needed to do so for presentations at University, one such person went from being frightened to stand up in front of a classroom of people, to speaking in front of our group and then in front of an audience and has since been a speaker at conventions. There were a few people we helped develop in our time. In my last job, I was very proactive, in my current job, for most of the time I've been here at my current job, I've been proactive about customer service issues - despite being shot down by team leaders, I was insistent and it was how I ended up on the team that deals with complaints in the first place. So, I did feel down about the fact I was picked up on being a leader and being proactive.

The last year however, I think I got tired of being shot down and of course, still trying to understand my anxiety issues. I have been denied every internal job I've gone for and often for reasons that don't make sense - like the technical support job because "I don't like confrontation", well, I handle it when it comes my way, and as it's for internal support, I would not be dealing with customers, only confrontation I'd get would be small compared to what I handle from customers, because if staff behaved the way customers did when it comes to complaints calls, they'd get the sack, so I ended up feeling like I couldn' t go anywhere and kept to doing my job.

Bringing it back to the conversation between me and my boss, I have been feeling off and she wasn't the only one to notice, I have been with Slimming World to try and lose weight - last time I did it, I did really well, but ended up off my game and didn't get to the end and put back on and have struggled to get back into it. My consultant expressed worry too, but I decided to saying "sod this, I'm doing it" and trying to take control, last 3 weeks, lost 5lbs. I want to be able to continue that wave. Though that was achieved in two weeks, the last week was less successful, but up until half way through I was worrying about my best friend who was having a mental breakdown and what sounded like them going to a bad place where they just keep everybody out and take the "f*** the world" approach to things and I wanted to try my best to keep them out of it. They are out of it now, probably after having time to cool down. Another close friend has been losing their mind too, so had that to worry about as well as my own problems. But she's also less losing her mind now.

And now I want to be able to break this down. And find a way to overcome this anxiety. To be able to have the confidence I need to handle it, to be able to ask for help, to be able to tell people what's wrong and how to speak my mind when I am feeling down, to articulate what I am feeling and not being afraid to express it. To get over these walls. It's why I keep browsing this site, I know I won't be able to solve my problems here, but take the right steps to improving myself to get myself there. It's why I've made this thread, and kept the long train of thought - the above is perhaps representative of my mind doing what it does, with the many tangents. Hence I've not condensed this post. Make the next step. Now, let's see how this goes.