Paralysing

There is this up and coming band I follow and it's been about a year of intensely supporting them. In the beginning I did this order to do what I could to give comfort as they had just come off a harsh survival show that really took a blow to their self-esteem.

I was doing pretty well then and had come off a 2 year healing cycle so I was mentally in the right space to give others. Time skip to now, I'm all out of zest and energy from constantly needing to be present.

They are kind, giving and understanding that it is hard for me to continue such a lifestyle but some days I just want to live my life without worrying that they think I went M.I.A because I didn't send a 'have a good day' message.

I am not their manager, nor part of their staffing. Nor even the leader of their fanclub. Just a fan but I feel like an unpaid P.A. And it's really a lot to handle and I have no idea how tell them this without it sounding rude. I can be quite blunt. They will understand but still have an expectation to see me.

I think that this might be a childhood trauma response because I feel that slipping up for even a day in any relationship will cause it to break up. So I go into a state of panic and just freeze up.

Any attempt to contact me when I'm like that results in me having waves of shame and feeling aggressive and sobbing. I feel like an absolute maniac because of my anxiety.

A long entry. Sorry guys. Thank you to all that read. Wishing you all the best.♡