People pleasing -- am I the only one?
This was kind of just brought to my attention today. I guess I kind of knew it but never actually acknowledged it or thought anything of it until now.
One of my friends told me that he feels I keep too many things to myself, and when I do that, he sometimes has a hard time knowing what I think about certain things he does or says when we hang out.
And he's completely right. The truth is I DO keep things to myself far too often than I should. But I don't mean to at all. It's just something I've done since I was a young girl, as a way to protect myself.
Because I have a major fear of anger. My dad had severe anger issues when I was growing up, and I got yelled and screamed at by him constantly. This made it so I would try to be careful around him and mind what I did and said. Because I didn't want to get him angry. Whatever you do, don't make him angry.
And the sad truth is that that behavior has stayed with me into adulthood. Sometimes I don't like elaborating on important things to people because I don't want them to get angry at what I say. I would say partial truths, or I would say I would like something a lot when really I thought it was just okay. It's something that I just seem to do automatically but I REALLY hate doing it because I feel like it's kind of like lying. And I don't like lying to people.
For instance, today I was talking with the same friend described above. He asked me what I did over the weekend (when I went on a Methodist church retreat). Instead of saying the actual truth, I just told him I went camping with a few other people (which is kind of true, we were at a camp in the woods). And like....why didn't I just tell him the whole truth? Did I feel like he would be put off by me doing Christian things? Even though he's never been put off when I've brought up Christian things before this?? Why did I feel like he wouldn't like me anymore or, even worse, get angry??
See what I mean? I have so much fear of people getting angry at me that I end up lying to them sometimes because I want to please them. It's all about pleasing people because when I please people, they don't yell in my face. But lying is terrible. And my friends DON'T deserved to be lied to.
It's not a healthy way to live and I want to get more help for it. I do talk to a therapist once a week but I want to try to get better on my own. What should I do?
@excessive @mimameid This post resonates with me so very strongly. I have started therapy on exactly this gound a few weeks ago. I don't know/can't tell if I am even making any kind of progress yet, and I get disheartened thinking I am the only one feeling like this in the world. I have often described this as "being addicted to caring for others". I am going to take down the name of that book, thank you for the suggested reading material. Another good one that I am in the middle of is Quiet: The Power of Introversion in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. In it, she describes various personality archetypes, psychological studies into personality and sociology. Bringing down a point of needing balance in certain traits. It is a very intriguing (sp?) read.
@ezrea Yes I resonate with "addicted to helping others" very much. This may be a silly thing, but today I thought of writing love letters to myself, like actually put it in the mail so I will receive it a few days later. This is an exercise for me in putting emotional labor back into yourself.
@ezrea I love the way you described "being addicted to caring for others." I'm the same way. It's the only thing that feels real to me anymore & keeps me sane besides improving on skills that channel my creativity. Caring for others reminds me I'm wanted in this world & keeps me connected to something. W/o that I have such a short attention span & a really hard time telling when ppl like me. If I'm not doing a ton to help someone I unintentionally think of all the reasons they could hate me/be annoyed w/ me/wis I'd leave. Caring for others has really helped me grow & stay balanced but it's overwhelming sometimes because I have so many ppl in my life who feel they have no one else to depend on/trust but me. I like helping ppl tho. The only thing I wanna change is this idea I have that I need to do something for ppl to be worth their time or that they'd want nothing to do w/ me if I'm not helping them. It sucks how we have this concept that ppl are doing us a favor by giving us their time. Although I can relate to giving ppl my time. But still I feel like I need to be alone when I'm at my worst & be a certain way around others. I'm usually pretty level headed but sometimes I really envy ppl who can tell ppl like them/view them as friends w/o having to create a scenario where it's so obvious. That's not why I help ppl though. Ik being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. I really do care about ppl. I just feel like I can't interact w/ them when I'm tired or upset & I need to either fake it or get out.
yes I have this also!! Don't really have a solution, but I'm working on it too. My parents also definitely have anger issues, especially my mom. I remember I put the shower curtain on the wrong side and got the floor wet and she screamed at me so much that I became so afraid to ask about the curtain. For a long time, even when I was 20 years old I didn't know which side to put the shower curtain on. -___-
Something that is helping me is to write a very concrete list of what I want and practicing asking people, for example directly asking "can you please tell me you like me more?" It feels so awkward, but I hope at the end of the day when the dust settles I will be left with friends who treat me better.
@mimameid By the way, have you heard the term "emotional abuse"? I think what you are describing with your parents may fall under this. I'm suspicious that that my parents fall under this term also. I've been watching some youtube videos talking about this more and ways to name it and heal from it. I think it's tricky because you question whether you are really being abused like "well they're not hitting me, so maybe what I did was bad." The good thing is we can slowly work on relearning and healing from it. Positive affirmations help me so much, especially noticing which affirmations you find hard to believe. For me, statements like "my voice matters, my feelings matter, my happiness matters just as much as others" help.
Let me know if anybody watches these videos! :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5fw-IT_phU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0itB8WekKz0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B95NiLXHbos
@mimameid I feel ya. My parents get super upset about the tiniest thing too especially my dad. They've never been the kinda ppl I could go to for support. I have a decent relationship w/ them now only coz I spoon feed them everything after I already have it all worked out. I've attracted a lotta angry ppl in general too & most of my life I just wanted to get through the day w/o ticking anyone off. It's still a pretty big motivation haha. This has forced me to be stronger & learn how to take care of myself even when ppl tell me I should be doing everything but that. It's scary when you focus so much on being there for others you let yourself go. I've learned not to rely on anyone & to sort through my emotional stuff myself which is usually the best thing to do anyway. I have a couple friends I could tell like anything & they're awesome. But when I'd tell em my "funny stories" about how bad ppl treated me they'd get really sad. This was new to me. I was used to ppl laughing w/ me. So yea the ppl in my life mostly fall into 2 categories: the ones that don't care & the ones that freak out way more than I do. I'm really careful about what vibes I put out there mostly coz I'm a control freak about how I want my life to go. Ppl say they think I'm happy when I'm sad or they get confused when they suddenly get the vibe I'm upset after I came off happy. Idk if that's a bad thing though. I mean being mysterious is kinda fun. It's weird though when ppl assume I enjoy activities I only put up w/. Eg ppl think I'm extroverted & a leader. I like meeting ppl but I'm really pretty introverted & find leadership more exhausting than finals. no joke. Sometimes I feel these things overshadow my real strengths & interests. It's funny when ppl collectively create this persona of you that's only part accurate. I don't really care though. Perks of being disconnected. Ppl say they feel like I really get them & I do really connect w/ them on their end but they don't really know that much about me. I like it that way. It's a fun perspective & you get exposed to a lot more diversity.