SA: Feeling lonely when with others
Hi all,
One of my biggest challenges with social anxiety is that I have a hard time talking and especially sharing feelings when with others. Sometimes it feels like my mouth closes shut or I start to feel like I'm actually physically not capable of talking or I'm afraid of "chickening out" and not being able to express what I want to say.
This happens even when I am with close friends. It's very frustrating, and I feel really lonely afterwards. I've tried to start talking to some friends about this experience. Many did not really understand me, and I felt angry/upset that they didn't get it.
I wish I knew how to ask friends to support me better with this. Usually if they ask something like "how are you feeling?" or "is there something you want to tell me?" I think the best would be if my friend actually understood I was having an anxiety attack and asked "Are you having an anxiety attack?"
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@Daydreamer47
A lot of us have mini anxiety attacks I think. I am sorry you feel this way.Thank you for sharing.
@lovingLynx89 Sometimes saying "I'm sorry you feel this way" Isn't the best to use. Many will think nothing of it but it can cause some people a massive amount of anxiety and feel more "worthless." When people say that to me and I'm in am episode I get thoughts like " I don't want to be pitied" or " oh God I'm making this person have negative feelings" and it spirals down from there. Despite that I know people use that mostly as a filler or to show the other person that they have support I can't help my minds reaction that way. I'm not trying to criticise but especially on a site like this keep that concept in mind. If you are afraid your thoughts can be taken out of context just elaborate more and it tends to cover itself. :)
@Daydreamer47
I get this way too sometimes. I spend so much time inside my own head and sorting out my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. that I often forget that people can't read my mind and the conversations I have with myself, that I actually need to TALK, I need to find words and say them to make them understand, and that's where I stumble on my face a lot. Most of the time I won't even bother with an in depth answer.
Here are a few ways I've been coping, maybe they could help you or influence you in the right direction: 1) Make small talk with people for "practice". Just start out by not expressing anything deep, keep it casual, talk about stuff that doesn't really matter like the weather or something. At the very least it'll get the words to fall out of your mouth and with practice they'll come out more naturally. 2) Drop any expectations you have of your friends in terms of "understanding" you. I know this one's a bit rough, they're your friends, they're supposed to be there and know how you feel.. But only you know how you feel, and even if they can relate to you, it still won't be 100%. Best you can do is "catagorize" your friends, like who to go to when you want to go out for the night and have fun, or who you know will listen when you need to have a serious conversation, and so on. Find that "advice giving" friend. But only go to them when you're completely stuck. Remember, they're a friend, not a therapist. 3) Anxiety attacks: a lot of people don't act like the cliche fetal position rocking back and forth in the corner, their version of an attack might be a lot more subtle, and it often goes unnoticed. Sometimes it's best to just tell people "this is what happens when I have an anxiety attack, this is what sets it off, and this is what helps to make it better." Be clear cut about it and help your friends understand so they can help you in return.
Hope this helps a little. Like I said, I'm a work in progress as well. Good luck out there.
@mushroomspore89 Thanks for the suggestions, but I'm going to do what's best for me. Right now I have a list of personal things I want to tell people, and I'm trying to go down the list. I definitely think I am capable of being close to people, I just have to face the anxiety, that's all. Thinking no one will ever understand me seems a little pessimistic! That also wouldn't meet my needs. My need is to be close to people, and I know I'm capable of getting there.
@mushroomspore89 I totally categorize my friends. Many people are specialized in certain areas just based off of their personalities and I always have the worry of "burdening" my friends to the point they leave. So I kinda do switch offs. I had to write down in a notepad how my anxiety and depression attacks me and how I cope with it and things they can do to help. I give this to those most in contact with me so even if they don't understand my thoughts they will know what I prefer generally.
@Aracelia I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who does that. I used to write general notes or poetry n let friends read them too but I've fallen out of that lately. Hope that technique keeps working for you!
@Daydreamer47
Hello and I am sorry to hear you are struggling with your anxiety. I am rooting for you to overcome your social anxiety. God Bless !
@Daydreamer47 Social anxiety/GAD can be frusterating and stressful. I have found it hard to communicate to others as well. When it comes to my closest friends I have found it easier to text or message them online what I am going through or even sharing a link that explains it so they understand.
@Daydreamer47
I see. I understand. Not being able to say what you feel is relatable to me too. And in the way you described. It's kind of out of your control and desires, it's kind of controlled by your fear and it's very frustrating. :( I hope things get better for you soon.
@helpfulSugar9 yeah thanks for understanding. i will try telling people more through text/online, especially explaining about SA, and maybe asking for help from my therapist.
@Daydreamer47
those are great ideas. I really didn't think of that!
