Social anxiety and relationships: were you a "late bloomer" too?
Hi all,
I've never had a relationship or sex. Not because I didn't want it, but because of moderate to severe SA I could never tell anyone I liked them and felt baffled about how to start a relationship. If I thought someone might like me, I probably couldn't say a word to them or avoided them like the plague.
I am just wondering if anyone else experienced the pain and shame of starting those things after your social peers? Or feeling like it was a world you would never be in and something must be wrong with you, like everyone else got some textbook you never did?
Thanks,
Day
I've never been in a relationship because of my social anxiety. I'm scared that I'll never be able to overcome that and I'll end up alone.
@SometimesQuiet1sViolent hey welcome friend! well we are in it together. i can tell you online dating has helped me, because it's easier to talk to people online than in person for me. so far i have been on a few dates, so plan is just to keep plugging at it and try to make it to third, fifth, six dates, etc.
@Daydreamer47 I never tried online dating. Maybe I'll give it a try :)
@SometimesQuiet1sViolent I understand that social anxiety will be an obstacle for relationships. The good part is that you are aware of it, meaning you can work through it over time.
However, social anxiety doesn't mean you will end up alone. At the end of the day you are human and anxiety doesn't change the beauty within you or the fact that you deserve to be loved, understood, and respected.
You will have that
@courageousNatural63 thank you so much for your kind words!
But it's not all about my social anxiety. I have bad experience with people so unless I'm annonynous it's hard for me to talk to people and trust them... I even dislike it when someone touches me because I was abused. So I can't help but think that I won't find anyone that'll be patient with me, take things really slow and won't just run away when I'll tell him about my past or if I'll start pushing him away.
@SometimesQuiet1sViolent Hmmm that sounds really rough. I'm so sorry. Maybe just take baby steps? You never had to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I think there are plenty of people out there who prefer to be friends first and take things slow. If you tell them at the beginning, I think it is possible. Or you could work on opening up to just pure friends or family for a while?
@Daydreamer47 I opened up to a friend about a year ago but I saw how hurt she was... I can't do this to my family. Baby steps sound good though, I just don't know how or where to start
I know the feeling. I am working on getting myself out there. Online dating is a start yes. Just remember to breathe and take it one moment at a time.
I can relate to what you are feeling. Due to bullying, I developed social anxiety in junior high and had to do a lot of self help work and counseling to get through it. The thing that I found helped is to actually stop focusing on the fact that you dont have dates or a bf/gf but instead to focus on doing things that you enjoy and that make you happy. Eat healthy, exercise, sleep well and have fun. Online dating can help, but it can also put you in situations that could cause you to have a lot of anxiety. Learn how to enjoy spending time with other people in a non-dating situation first, by doing leisure group activities for example. This will help ease some of the anxiety and ackwardness you may feel in social settings and will set you up for success when you finally feel ready to break away and go on that date with someone you like.
@compassionateHeart32 Thanks! I actually have gone on several dates already. It does cause anxiety, but I feel like I just have to keep at it. For me, I have to be really proactive. I've always had an attitude of "taking things into my own hands" since it's never come "naturally" to me. For now that works for me, and I have in fact met a few people online I like. I think it's just a matter of sticking with it to go on second, third dates and following through until something becomes a relationship. But yeah, doing leisure activities for fun never hurts. I work a lot, but we'll see!
Well I'm a late bloomer too although I'm not entirely sure if it had to with my social anxiety that I had when I was younger or a variety of factors (awkward, not friends with a lot of guys, naturally distrustful of people and their intentions, this list can go on forever). I don't think I feel any real shame to be honest, but lately there has been a lot of longing to be in a (and I heavily emphasize these two words) happy, healthy relationship because I've been feeling a lack of affection in my life. Most of my friends don't seem to care that I'm forever single besides the inital surprise and shock, along with wondering when I will find someone but definitely they aren't mean to me about it. My family is grateful that I'm not with anyone so lucky for them-but yeah it would be nice if I actually could find the right person
I can give you some golden advice here...if you have a good heart and genuine care for the person you will surely find one
@indigoNest5772 I hope so indigo!! SA does make it harder though. :/
@Daydreamer47 I've seen it many times trust me everybody has a brave side and when you have genuine care for someone that brave side comes out and you end up either asking the person out or getting to know them trust me what you think will be an issue actually won't be when this happens and I'm talking about genuine care + your good heart and you must have a good heart if you are seeking this so don't worry
@indigoNest5772 Hi Indigo, I appreciate your thoughts, but I have had SA for 10+ years. It's recognized as a psychological disorder involving chemical changes in the brain, and I am actually taking medication. I appreciate the compliments, but I would urge you to do some reading about social anxiety disorder and what that is like to experience. I know you didn't intend it, but I feel dismissed and invalidated by these type of comments, because I just want people to recognize my "struggle" and recognize it as the real issue it is. Often we do not treat mental disorders like physical ones. No one would say "once you meet the right person, your arthritis will not be an issue." It's just important to recognize any mental disorder: anxiety, SA, depression, bipolar, etc as real conditions needing psychological and/or medical treatment. If possible, please do some reading before commenting again. Thank you.
https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder
hi :D
@Daydreamer47 heeey :D
@skunkfrolicking4342 lol hi nerd :)
@Daydreamer47 sorry if I upset you my friend I will stop here
@indigoNest5772 nah it's okay. i know you were trying to help. i'm just sensitive about these types of things.
I didn't start dating until near the end of my college career, and at first I was starting to feel really lonely/frustrated (mainly because I was interested in a friend who I was not sure had mutual feelings for me). I felt ashamed, because many of my friends have already been in relationships, or at the very least gone on a date. I had never had my first kiss or been on a "real" date before. Because of my social anxiety and introversion, I was certain that I would never meet someone who would like me just as much as I liked them. Something must've been wrong with me.
It's funny, though, how within a month, I started dating that same friend I was interested in only because I took the initiative and told him directly that I was interested (something I'd never thought I would do in my right mind). It just so happened that he too had been too shy to ask me out. Had I not said anything in the first place, I would have never been in a relationship with him. What held me back, aside from being vulnerable with another person, is the fact that he had been my friend for well over a year. I was afraid that things would grow awkward between us, thus ruining our friendship.
In retrospect, I'm glad that I had waited until my twenties to begin dating, because I've had some time to myself to mature before getting myself into anything serious. One tip that I would share sounds cliche, but it's very important that you learn to love yourself first before you start building a relationship with another person. Not only does that make you seem more confident, you're also doing yourself a huge favor. Know that you're the only person that you can rely on.
@iloverunning Thanks for sharing. It's nice to not be the only one. Being direct is good. I have been working on that. Maybe if I find someone from online dating I should be really direct and have the "talk" lol to start a relationship. I will try!
@Daydreamer47 I understand, though, that it's terrifying. I've had many friends tell me to be "direct" with him which, to them, sounds really easy. However, as someone who has anxiety and who had no dating experience whatsoever, it was difficult for me to muster up the courage. If he had said no, not only would I have been rejected, it would've made things between us awkward. I think enlisting your friends' support (wingwomen/wingmen?) can definitely help you.
I can understand how you feel! I have SA too and didn't go on my first real date until I was 20. I thought I would never be able to find someone or be in a relationship because of my anxiety.
I went out with my friend and her boyfriend, people that I'm comfortable around. She told me ahead of time that her bf would be bringing a friend as well, and she told me a little bit about him before we left, so I'd be more comfortable.
Me and that friend eventually went on a date, we both thought the other person was cute. I was extremely awkward and quite on the date but I told him that it's something I struggle with and I'm slowly working on. He understood. He was patient with me. He was so great about it. We've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now and I can be my full self around him.
It will happen for you to, and finding the right person who is patient and understanding will make the difference. I hope for the best for you!
@TranquilSkye30 It's always the best to date someone who understands how you feel. Even though I was used to being friends with my boyfriend, I felt nervous at the beginning of our relationship. It helps a lot to be open about how you're feeling.
@TranquilSkye30 It's amazing you have friends who would set you up like that. I don't have a lot of friends in general, but maybe I should try to ask someone to help me like that. I still feel very baffled about how you go from one date to a bf. The whole process confuses me arghh. I wish I had some more guidance or help like that.