Tackling Social Anxiety

@Alongstory23

I'm glad you could open up.

I am glad you could be honest.

And vulnerable.

It's not an easy thing to do 🩷

@Alongstory23

If you’re truly ashamed of all that I am genuinely sorry to hear that you are bc you shouldn’t be. But if you are, please read and listen to this and I hope it’ll help you not be so ashamed of yourself anymore:

I feel ashamed that I am single as a 36 year old male

There’s plenty of people older than you that are single. I’m one of them. So try not to be ashamed about it. 

I feel shame around not yet figuring out dating after my divorce

This shouldn’t shame you bc despite being older than you and living longer than you have I still haven’t figured out anything about dating and have no dating knowledge and have never been on any date yet I’m not ashamed by it. So you truthfully shouldn’t be either. 

I feel shame that I've spent a lot of time reading books and putting in effort to analyze and improve at dating

This is something you should be proud of, not ashamed about. This shows that this is something you care a lot about.

I feel shame that despite all of these "efforts" I have only dated a few women in the past 2 years

Dating a few in the past 2 years is better than dating none right? You can look at it that way and it’ll make you happier that at least you dated a few women.

I feel ashamed that I choose to invest a lot of my time into distance running and trying to improve at distance running

I wouldn’t be ashamed by that bc it might be what you need right now. Of course you can stop when you don’t need it anymore.

I sometimes feel ashamed I don't make more money

How much money someone makes isn’t it. It’s what someone does with their money and how they use it. That’s what I live by. Sometimes people who have a lot of money overspend and don’t have any money left when they actually need it whereas those who don’t make as much but still get a salary are better at saving. 

And at least you’re getting some amount of money. I’m not getting anything so if anyone should be ashamed it’s me but I’m not so you definitely should not be ashamed of this bc it’s so difficult getting a job/salary in today’s job market 

I sometimes feel shame around not quite fitting in

This I understand but I don’t think you should be ashamed. I think the people who didn’t accept you leading to you not fitting in should be ashamed. 

I feel shame around not having a core social group that I hang out with all the time and prefer more one on one friendships

I wish I had this too. But I never had it. Still don’t. But I’m not ashamed bc I know it’s their loss bc they did not accept me so they should be ashamed for that. 

I feel shame around wanting to date someone in their 20's 

Idk that you should be ashamed about that bc it’s an honest part of who you are. 

I feel shame around wanting to have a big family

If that’s what you want, try working on making it happen instead of being ashamed about it bc that’s not gonna get you the big family you want. Just offering some friendly advice there. 

I feel shame that I don't give more to my relationships (friendships, etc.)

You might be giving enough or give more than enough but just don’t feel like you are but that doesn’t mean you aren’t you know?? Please consider and think about that. 

I feel shame that I've broken up with most of the women I have been with. 

This shouldn’t shame you imo bc it might mean that any of them and you were not meant to be together so separating from each other was the best choice as opposed to staying together, but maybe. However idk. 

@Alongstory23

I think another good thing to note about shame is that It can be a feeling and it can be something you truly believe. I might feel some shame around these things, but I am not actually ashamed of myself. I think I can do better in a lot of these areas, but I understand I am not perfect. My self-evaluation is probably not all that accurate, as people with anxiety tend to over-exaggerate their flaws.

I recently heard in a podcast called "therapy in a nutshell" that a lot of this has to do with ego-centrism. I think people are thinking and talking about me way more than they actually are. "You ruminate and obsess in a vain attempt to control what you can't control- other peoples opinions". "Spending all of this time trying to white knuckle perfectionism in a social situation is a complete waste of time and energy, because you can't be perfect, and there is too much ambiguity in social situations. So you have to decide on acceptance and vulnerability. There is no perfect social interaction.

The 4 distortions of social anxiety

1) Faulty self evaluation (do you judge yourself more harshly than others?)

2) Everyone is looking at me- change to -(no they aren't, shift your attention outward)

3) If I messed up it would be catastrophic- change to- (you're safe, you can handle having feelings)

4) I have to be perfect to be accepted (I value real human connection and the feelings that come with it)

That last one hits hard for me, for awhile I have felt like I have to be perfect to be accepted

One other feeling of shame lately has been that I've struggled to ask women (and others) in perfectly normal social situations for their contact info. Its something I feel like I have to do perfectly, and I struggle just being vulnerable with it. 

all for now, thanks for listening