messed up instincts
The struggle of reading ppl. I have SA & borderline ASD & I've been misunderstood a lot. I read somewhere that ppl w/ SA tend to see neutral expressions as negative. I've realized I do that a lot. I'm in college & it's the 1st time in my life I can't just compensate by doing ridiculous amounts of work because just doing good enough is hard. I'm doing well in school & like what I'm doing. I just don't have the ability to go above & beyond enough to calm my anxiety anymore. I feel stupid for not figuring things out even if no one else can. It doesn't help that you're always falling short of 100%. I remind myself how what matters is learning & every point above 0 is a success as opposed to subtracting from 100. But then I realized that doesn't stop other ppl from thinking I'm stupid. I'm spacey & awkward & I blank mid-sentence sometimes. I come off a lot dumber than I am. I get so much anxiety during convos it's hard to focus. I obsess about every little thing I say & I think 100 times before asking questions coz I worry they're stupid. I come off more confident but after I ask a question I find the tiniest reason they probably think I'm so dumb & annoying & it keeps playing in my head. I assume so many profs think I'm so dumb & annoying & they'd never wanna see me again. 1 prof I was convinced I'd seriously annoyed even offered to write me rec letters. I realized just how off my perception is. I can't tell the difference between when someone's impressed w/ me & hates my guts. & whenever someone seems annoyed overall or changes their behavior I worry it's because of me. I used to feel like I screw over everyone dumb enough to spend time w/ a self-destructive person like me. I used to be like "I shouldn't hang out w/ him coz he's so nice & put together & doesn't deserve to have me ruin his life." I try to be positive, supportive & inspiring & give off positive vibes but I've realized many ppl have more empathy than I think & they get actually sad about my "funny stories" about my messed up life. Also sometimes ppl notice my anxiety more than I realize. I think I'm going around giving off positive vibes but idk if I'm really being a downer or annoying. My ideas about my place in the world keep changing so drastically because Idk how to read situations. I've been through some stuff & I like to make something good come out of it by helping ppl. Ppl usually say they really appreciate my help but I sometimes wonder if I come off like 1 of those annoying ppl who has an opinion about everything or condescending. I used to stay away from ppl coz I didn't know if my helping them was just hurting more. Now I try to help them but it's really stressful to read whether it's actually helping them. Idk what to do. I'm looking for jobs & this is a disaster waiting to happen haha
@doublelife
To be frank, it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on life. I mean sure, you think or feel like its all gone south but on the whole the way the world reacts is in the positive. So even if you feel things aren't going well, you know for a fact it mostly is going well.
Can't really imagine the whole mental issues angle but you have "catastrophic thinking" so I don't know, try to cool that down a bit?
People around in general aren't so judgmental of little quirks and stuff unless you're actively getting in their way or making them uncomfortable so you can relax in that regard.
@exampligratia I feel ya. I used to feel like I was always getting in people's way or making them uncomfortable but now that I'm doing more purposeful things w/ my life I feel my goals align better w/ the people around me.
