Autism and self-perception
Do any of you in this community (especially those who mask heavily) ever feel like your autism can lead to such toxic self-consciousness? I find myself being so hyper-vigilant about acting right, acceptable, or normal, that anytime i make a mistake or feel rejected from those i’m trying to connect with it can be so devastating because I have put in so much work emotionally just to be social in the first place! The answer is probably to work on unmasking and accepting myself for my faults but can’t do all that tonight so I will just take feeling a lil less alone!
Yeah, absolutely. Every small mistake can seem like the end of the world. I guess it's just so hard, not only because we put in so much work, but also because we might feel like the people we're trying to socialise with are just waiting for us to mess up and expose ourselves.
What has helped me was talking to people about very small mistakes I've made a long time ago, because they never seem to remember them. For me it's a bit easier, knowing that I'm not actually destroying the whole friendship.
What can also help is carefully considering if the rejection is because of you or because of something else (it's usually something else). Like, when you ask someone to do something and they say they're busy. That's because of them, not because of you.
It definitely can help to unmask, but the most important thing is to start seeing all the times you succeed and not only those small moments where it feels like failing
@lilithboo
Hey, for sure! But I hope with time you find places in your life where you don't need to be, and people accept you.
@lilithboo
Making mistakes after putting in so much effort to socialise and follow what I -thought- was the correct thing to do feels devastating to me, and can lead to episodes of strong self hatred, panic, Shutdowns, meltdowns.. Depends on the day and how I'm coping. I end up thinking if I'm not perfect I will be hated and rejected. I get so worried making mistakes mean the other person hates me, I get so confused about it. It's hard for me to understand.
@lilithboo
Absolutely. Though I'm speaking here from the angle of someone who can't mask well.
I mask heavily, but it doesn't work out anyway most of the time. Especially when I'm tired or burnt out, I can feel my face not masking properly, notice words aren't coming out properly, notice that I'm moving weird. And sometimes I can adjust, other times I can't. It's making me very self-conscious about how I'm presenting 24/7, 365 days a year. It's exhausting.
I've been working on unmasking to take that stress off me. But it's bewildering to realize that my unmasked self is a lot more "autistic presenting" as I thought I was. If I really don't force myself, I don't emote, I don't talk, I don't want to have a part in most of what neurotypicals are doing, etc.
I feel like I don't only have to learn to unmask, but also to learn to love my true, unmasked self. But it does feel right, and it does feel worth it.
