Diagnosed Adult with AuDHD a year ago, still haven’t processed it

I keep trying to pretend like I don’t have it. I hide my stimming. I struggle with what to wear because I want to wear what is comfortable but then I look too young and people don’t take me seriously. I am years into marriage and I wonder if I would have even gotten married if I had gotten diagnosed when I was younger, or if I would have even chosen my husband (who is undiagnosed ADHD). I never feel like I fit in with other women my age. I struggle to do my hair, let alone do my nails. I waited a whole year to go get a haircut because I struggle with hairstylists touching me or talking to me. Thankfully she was quiet and very nice. I almost cried when she was washing my hair, I feel like I don’t care for myself. There are so many things that I feel like I can’t take part of or goals I feel I can’t aim for. Because if I reach them and there are too many people, or too much noise there etc.. I will hate it. I finally went to my first concert this year and I actually had an amazing time and cried there I couldn’t believe I avoided it for so long! Yet after it I broke down and had to put on my noise cancelling headphones on the way home. Life is very hard. I finally signed up for therapy here on 7Cups. I have tried in person therapy and video therapy but with AuDHD it is incredibly challenging to pour out my feeling because I just can’t talk when someone is looking at me. So instead of having fully covered therapy via insurance I have to pay for therapy text based. Isn’t it so great to be Autistic! And then I get the whole “but you don’t look Autistic!” or “You’re doing so well though!” Yes.. because you don’t see my crippling inside, that this smile is fake, and the breakdown I’m going to have at home and for a week after this event.