Inside my bubble - Post 1

For as long as I can remember, I've carried an inner space filled with loneliness. As if I were inside a bubble. Even when I'm with people I love, close friends or family the feeling is there. It's a sense of not fully being able to reach others and they can't fully reach me either. I can be in a room full of people and take part in whatever is going on. On the surface, it looks I'm connecting. But there is a part of me standing to the side, watching. This inner feeling of loneliness has often led me to wonder what's wrong with me in my earliest teens and 20s. It's been an endless search to try to fill that empty space inside that never seemed to close, no matter what I did. I'm suspected on autism, I connect to autism though because I don't like to communicate like others. For most parts, I thought I was overcomplicated myself and I am just introvert and shy. I've noticed that the sensation of being inside the bubble, unable to fully connect gets stronger when I'm overwhelmed by sensory input. I need to focus on regulating my nervous system, eating healthy, sleeping well and making sure I am doing enough movement. When I'm overwhelmed I feel like the walls close around me and seal me off in that bubble which has led me to develop with my own explanation. I believe my brain is working very hard to process all the impressions and emotions in a social situation that my executive function gets challenged. I fall behind, just enough that makes me feel I can't quite keep up with the pace. Maybe that's why I find it easier to connect with animals. They don't send a lot of information. They don't expect me to make a witty comment about the weather or have an opinion about my sister's new crockery set. They simply exist as they are without hidden agendas except maybe looking extra cute to get a treat. With my dog Shiro (now taken care by my cousin's as I can't), I often feel a genuine connection and that bubble disappears most times. I've felt it with few people too but on very rare occasions. A few fleeting moments with two of my close friends, my late partner who I love still, or quite often with my nieces. I suppose children can be like animals in a way they are open, unfiltered and agenda free before they start putting socially accepted masks and enter in adult world. I want to be seen and accepted for who I am and not impose their expectations of world on me but ask me.