Neurodivergent and neurotypical couples advice
Hello. I am in need of some advice from someone else with a neurotypical spouse. My wife and I have been through so much in our 11 years of marriage and more of being best friends before that.
About 6 years ago i was misdiagnosed with bipolar II and 3 years ago I was re diagnosed with autism and ADHD (amongst other things, but these are the main).
That aside I have been having trouble sexually. I know i want it, but there is just something that has grown in me that my libido went away. I did realize I am demisexual, but nit 100% sure how this plays in. I am emotionally invested with my wife and love her so deeply. We've come very far and fixed so much.
My self esteem and self hate has always been so strong, but I have been working so great on that. I am just wondering what do advice people have with a spouse that doesn't understand or possibly says they do but continues to comment about how they don't understand you when you've given them si many examples.
@quickwittedCrow3213 - Hi! I guess I'm curious whether there is something specific you want to communicate to your spouse that has been hard to do. I think the best way I can tell difficult things to my allistic partner (she has ADHD, though) is to use templates. I have three basic ones that help me structure my speech in a way that is assertive but not confrontational:
"I feel/felt [emotion] when you [behavior] because [reason]."
"It sounds like you are saying [reflection]. Am I getting that right?"
"I think I understand, and (not but) [opposing idea]."
There are probably many more, but I default to these three. Don't worry about sounding robotic when you use the templates. It's just helps me avoid saying things like "you should have..." and "you can't..." and "you have to... or else!" etc.
What is one thing you wish your spouse understood that they don't already?
So many terms. I only recently learned what neurodivergence even is. By the way, I took the test here, and it seems I’m a pretty normal person who fits all the parameters. Well, maybe sometimes my anxiety is a bit high. But I have a couple of friends, one girl with bipolar disorder and a guy with ADHD. That’s quite a mix. I can’t imagine how hard it is for them, but at the same time they support each other really well.
@quickwittedCrow3213It sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort into your relationship and yourself, which is really important. Navigating differences in understanding, especially around things like autism, ADHD, and sexuality, can be really challenging for both partners. Sometimes, even when a spouse tries to understand, it takes time and ongoing communication for them to fully grasp your experience. It might help to have open, honest conversations where you share how their comments affect you and express what kind of support you need. Couples counseling or therapy, especially with someone who understands neurodiversity, could also provide a safe space for both of you to explore these feelings and improve communication. Remember, your feelings are valid, and finding ways to bridge that gap together can strengthen your connection.
