Not even sure
It's scary to speak without any overanalysing. Writing is also weird right now as I would like to rephrase my sentences hundred times until it all feels pointless to even post, so I delete all of it and I close the app. This is how I feel and it's so effing annoying and disgusting, I hate myself for it, but then I just live on, distract myself, zone out, untill I start doing something else. So it doesn't matter how much I want to be like goal oriented or whatever, it feels absolutely impossible to break free from myself. Sure I do give me self-compassion and tell me all that I am feeling is okay, but for how long.
How long do I keep healing this. It's hard to continue, it's like impossible alone, where are the people that I can deeply connect to. What is even the right deep connection. Have I ever even felt a deep connection? Should I find the deep connection within myself first to be able to connect deeply with others? What the eff I have to do, all of this confusion and frustration is just so much that even the idea of a some metal tube slowly entering my brain feels really attractive thing to experience. This does not make any sense at all.
I feel like I want to scream inside myself and at the sametime I just squeeze myself into unconsiousness, somewhere into apathy or I don't even know where exactly but it feels so yuck, like I'm squeezing my brain together with my brain muscles, a kind of a cramp. It's like my brain wants to hurt and at the same time I am doing it myself, it's like air that gets compressed. Like my brain is being compressed inside my forehead, some certain local place in my brain.
What the ***, I've had this feeling for so many times that I just don't care really, I just go on with my life, I know life will continue somehow.
Does anybody feel anything similar, anything that reaonates with you, I guess something does resonate, please do tell and share so maybe I won't have to feel so lonely with myself.
Hey. Thank you for your advices. It has been indeed a difficult thing to write at times, if it's really the only output for my thoughts and feelings, though it really helps to clarify the emotions for me. I do feel now I really need a friend I could be completely open and honest to, a real connection to a human is needed at the end of the day. I can't share much really to my family, even to my spouse I really have to be careful what to share as it would not upset her. So here I am writing to a community :)
