Autism & Me
Hiya.
I was diagnosed with autism a few months ago. It definitely has been more positive than negative – an explanation for pretty much everything in my entire life. I felt/feel (I don’t really know right now), like I had found my place in the world.
I think now I am realising, ‘oh this is because of autism, and this, and this’ and then I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like it. Would I have the trauma I do from mental health crisis and how the police have treated me? Would I have been bullied by students and teachers alike during my education?
And who am I and what is autism? I feel mixed things about all the things you read, autism is a superpower, autism is a different ability. Say I’m autistic, not I have autism. I’ve realised it is a huge part of me, but then I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit?
There’s a lot of people around me who aren’t very understanding, and that hurts as often they are the people I want to understand most.
I also feel super childish, preferring to sit on the floor, constantly having a fidget toy in my hand, rocking back and forth, meltdowns frequent at the moment because our kitchen is being redone and everything is moving. Will I ever be a true adult? I'm two months away from being 18.
I am afraid of acting more autistic. My mask seems to be broken these past few weeks and it is scary allowing the true me to be seen.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
@teenytinyturtle hi! Your awesome!
Ahh I get it. I may not have Autism but I do have ADHD and it causes my to act very childish and annoying at times, which makes me think will I ever be mature?
I also feel the same about knowing I have ADHD. It feels like an explanation as to why I act the way I do. And yet, it also feels like it’s a confirmation that there’s something wrong with me. Idk, it’s complicated.
Just remember that you are perfect just the way you are, and if someone has a problem with the real you, they can go sit in a corner being mad for no reason bc who cares what they think?? (Sorry that made no sense at all-)
I totally get this. I was diagnosed at 15. So not as late as you but I still understand. For me it felt like so much of my life and actions suddenly fit in this little box. It was freeing to have an explanation for why things where so difficult and why I reacted seemingly randomly to so many things. It helped me with predicting how difficult different situations would be.
As for the things you read. It is useful to see what other people have made of there experiences but you don't have to accept them all. Most of all there is no need to decide at all. Whether you think of yourself as haveing autism or being autistic is up to you. Ultimately you are still the same person you were before your diagnosis you just have extra insight into yourself now.
I understand feeling childish. I still feel like that. I don't use fidgets because most seem geared towards children. I'm only a few years older than you and have just been through the whole process of "becoming an adult" and its difficult. Not going to lie. I'm trying to find my place in a world I don't understand and have all the normal problems of adult life as well. But it's also allowed me to build a more accommodating lifestyle for myself. True adulthood is just making the best of what you can in my opinion. So I think you can do it. You already seem to be using different strategies to help cope with the crazy renovation your kitchen is going though after all. Adulting is just more of the same. Find what works and do it.
As for acting more autistic. You could be but it could be equally that you are just paying more attention to autistic actions than you were before. I felt the same when I was first diagnosed and I couldn't tell you which one it was but with time. It all just became normal me.
Hope some of this helped you feel seen and supported.
@hatseatyou
super helpful thank you. see you on oldie side in a month and a bit :0
