Bipolar Disorder - what does it feel like for you?
Suffering and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder can feel very different for different people. There are may subtypes, some struggle more with some symptoms than with others. There is Bipolar Disorder I, Bipolar Disorder II, atypical bipolar disorder and so many more! Some have mostly mixed episodes, some have rapid cycling, others crippling depression for years. There are just so many subtypes, so many symptoms and also comorbidities, that it can be difficult to find a description of bipolar disorder that covers each and every individual experience of the illness.
Sometimes people describe it as a rollercoaster, sometimes as a constant fear of relapse into different episodes. How does bipolar disorder feel for you? Can you relate to that? How would you describe it?
Let me start! For me suffering from Bipolar Disorder feels like running in a hamsterwheel. It feels like building beautiful sandcastles, foundations and routines, a life, making it as strong and beautiful and safe as possible. And then a wave, an episode, hits that sandcastle and everything that I have built up, gets washed away. And once that wave has resided into the sea, I start again, building an even more beautiful, stronger and stabler sandcastle, but then the next wave washes it all away again. Over and over. Sandcastles and waves, beauty crashed and washed away. But still, I am going to become a master-architect of sandcastles, and one day the waves will not be able to destroy everything that I have created!
@MissZ I love how you describe yourself as a MASTER ARCHITECT. Yes!! Over the years, I've begun to really identify with the phoenix.
I had a psychotic break 5 years ago, and I feel like the fear of a relapse dominates my life more than it maybe should -- or maybe it's a healthy fear that keeps my awareness and routines up. I'm working to build trust in myself, in the capability of managing the condition. I often get frustrated by the dips in mood, when I don't feel inspired or motivated. I'm medicated, so the highs and lows aren't as extreme (thank god) but I feel like I'm always dealing with the anxiety and find it a real project to be able to relax more consistently.
@MizzZ
For me, it's both....sometimes days are really good. Sometimes, their bad days. The "fear" of worse.....Well, then there's other days when that is not something I have to worrry about. I could say it's inconsent but livable. As long I can see the end of the downswing, then it's half the battle.
@MissZ
It should be interesting to see the variety of ways it's affected some of us...
As evidenced by the choice of username (one of 3 base names that I use), I've pretty much gotten used to the fact that it's a constant unending cycle of life, death, rebirth. Unlike the Phoenix though, my phases aren't anywhere near as lengthy.
Started out with long periods of getting by, then a few months of burning the candle at both ends, and then hitting that point where I'd tumble down the rabbit hole into the abyss and taking months to crawl back up. That sequence would play over and over again, gaining speed until it felt like I was on a rollercoaster... up, down, tick tick tick up we go... and then crashing down... tick tick tick the cogs click, up we go.... and crashing down...
I was in a state best described as 'numb', not enjoying life, unsure how high or how low the next swing was going, simply surviving and shutting off all emotions and concerns... until I finally got my GP to sit down and listen, take us past the 'watch and see' that we'd been doing the last couple years. The anniversary of that date is in 3 weeks, though it took another 9 months (until April) to find a medication and dose that leveled me out.
@Phoenix84 i totally relate to the phoenix too, makes so much mire sense with diagnosis. Glad to hear you found meds that level you out
It is a roller coaster a constant battle with myself i had a psychotic break 2 years ago and was in the mental hospital for nearly a year i still have my moments but strangely i like it more when I'm manic than when i am depressive. I don't like the psychosis part of me it shows a side of me i thought i locked a way and the part of me that is ashamed of being of having bipolar disorder 1 surfaces.
Late to this thread--but thank you @MissZ for posting this question, and for that metaphor. For me having bipolar (I'm bipolar II) feels like hiding in plain sight, like a spy, trying to blend in with the people around me so they "can't tell." Other times (hypomanic times probably) I feel like David Attenborough or something, seeing the world in a way that most people living in it don't even recognize. During my very worst period of depression, I felt like a completely different person--like my doppelganger, really. People would try to remind me of things that brought me joy or were core to who I am and I would say 'that person is gone now and none of that matters to me'. I have been feeling close to that place again lately, but I'm trying hard to fight it, so I'm grateful to have found this space.
I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I never had a "typical" manic attack before I was in my late 30's, simply because my personality is so laid-back that people just thought I was in a bad mood or a bit "hyper." A traumatic even in my life triggered a full-blown manic attack, which finally led to a diagnosis. It is a relief to know what I finally have and to be prescribed the right treatment. Now I understand a bit better what my body is doing, and that is freedom to me!
Bipolar Disorder is still confusing to me. I've learned how to cope with and manage my other mental illnesses, for the most part, but when the bipolar episodes hit I don't know how to cope. At least with my BPD the mood swings are short lived and the depression can be alleviated by distracting myself and focusing on something more positive. When a depressive bipolar episode hits it feels like it's never going to go away. Things that make me happy at other times don't make me happy and I'm left with an overall feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
It feels weird...
I'm still not used to it. Like a crazy rollercoaster (I'm afraid of them tho). It's like one day I want to conquer the universe and other day it's like meh, I don't want to do anything. (It's more than that, I'm just ressuming it...)
It feels like nothingness. When I'm in the very darkest depression (as I am sorting through now) my brain feels devoid of anything.
I could just sit in a room and say nothing; not contribute at all in any meaningful way and feel trapped inside of a brain that can't fully function to the level I want it to.
I feel like my depression isn't rooted in the feelings of sadness or suicidal ideation, rather I lose my spark and my gregarious nature which creates a feeling of total isolation, hopelessness and fear that this new version of me, this dull shell of a human is going to stick around.
at my worst I feel like I can't enjoy anything because I can barely concentrate: reading is hard, thinking is so slow at painful, conversing with people is like pulling yourself through quicksand, and no one around you had a clue what is going on. They see you as fine because in better times you operate normally; eat, shower, do small errands, see friends briefly, repeat. But it's not enough and the lack of true feeling just makes the pain of this slight sliver of normal habits worse. It's like I'm playing a party every day, making people believe I'm not one step away from a total breakdown and loss of will.
I have bipolar II, which I never even knew was a thing.
For me, it's like the depression is the darkest abyss. No hope. No future. No freedom. Just complete powerlessness. All I really want to do is be alone, I withdraw. At the worst moments, I don't want to exist.
Hypomania is like a circus, or a tropical paradise. These are two very different things, but they relate to my experiences. Before I knew I had bipolar II, I'd call the hypomania my 'little moments of clarity' which is where the tropical paradise comes in -- things just make sense, everything is clearer to me, and suddenly there's sunshine, and hope and a horizon, a promise of something more.
The circus comes with usually how many ideas I have swimming in my head and the speed in which I can go at (and talk) and get things done.
@placidGrapefruit7702 you know it's funny you mentioned that because a lot of people don't know this myself including, when I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 (experience manias and psychosis) at age 11, I assumed it was the only one that we all had the same manic depression but there's different kinds of bipolar disorders, there's bipolar disorder type 1, bipolar disorder type 2 (what a lot of people are often diagnosed with where there's hypomanias/psychosis), Cyclothymic disorder, & Other Specified and Unspecified Bipolar and Related Disorders ("Mixed features" & Rapid-cycling) so it was pretty interesting to learn more about this disorder.
