High Functioning: "You Look Way Too Put Together to be Crazy"
Hello Readers,
Today marks my fifth appointment in my newly acquainted journey to seek psychological wellness. In preparing for my day, which took each and every one of my spoons, I emerged showered, dressed, haired, and make-up-ed. A huge feat these days, I admit. My husband took one look at me and said,
"You look way too put together to be crazy. You should go in pajamas and slept on makeup."
This set off a light bulb in my mind in the way mental health presents itself visually in society. It's true, more often than not it is messy, however, what about the high-functioning mentally ill? What about those of us who advocate for ourselves and fight tooth and nail everyday to get out of bed and fight back through this hell? What about those who are somehow able to stand on two legs and hold a conversation for their children? What if a manic or mixed phase isn't necessarily euphoric and all-beautiful? What if depression gets dressed in the morning?
Discuss: What does manic depression look like? What have people assumed about you based on your appearance?
Additional Reading:
Psycheducation.org, Treating the Mood Spectrum, "Normal Is a Place I Visit" by Dr. Suzanne Fiala
"So yes. Im capable. Im talented. I work hard. I produce stuff. Yay me. But the price I pay for that is not being able to be anything else."
I'm in the process of interviewing for new work. But I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through. Like many of you writing before me, I appear to be very highly functioning, having built a small business and working as a self employed artist. Even now I'm feeling so inarticulate and useless. How can I possibly sell myself at these interviews when I don't believe it myself? I can look the part, but I feel guilty when I think about what these companies are really buying when they hire me. How long before they find out?
@maybemoxie
I get it. It feels like "imposter syndrome"
I have to keep telling myself that I am more than just a summary of mental health symptoms and you are too. They obviously see things they like on your resume. Also, a job means you are stable or are actively making a monumental effort to stay that way and that says a lot about your own perserversnce and ability for self introspection. Both characteristics that also give people a leg up in business or the working world in general.
It will be ok. You got this!!
I would've considered high functioning. I have a great career, teach part time at the local college, volunteer regularly for a great non profit. I have a successful marriage to a wonderful man, a sweet puppy, and incredibly supportive friends and family.
Yet, today it is taking every ounce of my energy not to leave work, go home, and put an end to all of it. I hurt so much and trying to hold it all together is exhausting.
@VaSouthernBell
I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling today. I know I'm a stranger, but I'll be thinking of you today. Thank you for sharing instead of staying silent.
@VaSouthernBell I'm feeling so much for you right now as well, sweetheart. I'm so proud of you for fighting the "good fight" in order to keep yourself and your family together, stable, and functioning. I understand how much effort it takes, its herculean, and sometimes it does get so hard you want to just say to the world-- "Stop! I want to get off this ride!" Even though all you can feel right now is exhaustion (probably mixed with a large pinch of frustration thrown in for flavor), I hope you can summon some pride for yourself for surviving as a high-functioning sufferer of illness.
I too used to be high-functioning. I put myself through post-grad work and always maintained a household. For several years I even owned my own house. I was the go-to gal to lift friends up and support them physically and emotionally until the crisis had passed. But then the ability to function on such high and strained level just vanished. The floor dropped out and I could only curl up in a ball and try to disappear as all the world I had built up crumbled around me and disappeared. And now it's gone-- absolutely everything.
Being high functioning is brutal-- especially when no one can see how hard you have to battle to keep your world together. But the alternative can be much worse.
I wish for you some peace today, and hopefully at least a moment or 2 of feeling just how incredible you are, and how undeniably strong. Because you, my friend, are amazing!
Highly relatable stories. Thank you. One of the above links touches on the fact that while those of us who are high functioning can operate constructively in our professional and personal lives, it comes at a great cost that generally translates as having nothing left at the end of the day. I know I cringe when people ask what I'm doing on the weekend because I know I will spend a great chunk of that time in bed recuperating.
Anyone else?
@blitheSun94
Oh most definitely! My Co worker always jokes with me about how he thinks I do nothing. Which is insulting, since I am also a (almost) full functioning parent.
Although, he usually only says that when there is over time involved, which is around downtown now until winter.
Everyone's stories so far have really struck a cord with me. I'm happy I found this thread here as my primary physician believed I had S.A.D. Firstly, I had just gotten him as my proc through a provincial program about four years ago. I had been normal during that time, myself. So, when he came to see me depressed, I don't blame him for thinking depression. He wouldn't contemplate Bi polar affective disorder because "I look way too put together" and I don't go on spending sprees or went psychotic (I did, have post party psychosis that I never treated) . I even saw him when I was manic and he just thought the anti depressant was working. For the record, I didn't know at the time either. I was just happy to be done with the depression. I didn't get referred to a psychiatrist until I demanded to see someone else.
I had my first appointment with my psychology the other day. At the end of the appointment, he told me how amazed he is that I'm so high functioning and not in jail/dead/or ruin. Since I was a teen, and when I found out my twin had B.A.D, I learned as much C.B.T as I can for myself. Tai Chi, found a career where I work outside all day everyday, my career is a dileberate outlet for my anger/rage, diet, laughing as much as possible, walking and engaging in winter activities such as snowboarding. I can go on. How I manage to do it all, we'll like him, I too am amazed.
I think I'm going to start taking high functioning as a compliment.
Please forgive grammar and spelling! New keyboard. Party is meant to be partum.
@Khiana
Thank you so much! I had post partum psychosis too.
@blitheSun94
Im so sorry you went through that as well. Is that when you got diagnosed or was it before/after?
@Khiana
Well that is kind of a long story. When I was a teen everyone around me easily detected that something was wrong. I struggled heavily with depression and self injury during that time. I was hospitalized at 15 but had endured a rushed diagnosis/treatment of sorts. After 4-7 days (I can't remember) and a multiphasic personality inventory I was (inaccurately) diagnosed with paranoia, depression, and anxiety. They put me on Zoloft and Trazodone and sent me home. The medication quickly came to an end when my mother could no longer afford it, so I spent the next several years self medicating.
During this time a number of traumas took place that I believe catapulted an already vulnerable mind into full blown illness. At the cusp of what could have been a very abrupt end, I learned I was pregnant. The entire experience was amazing as well as intensely difficult. After my son was born I relapse immediately with self injury and was taking various medications (not as perscribed). This, along with the hormones from nursing and sleepless nights ultimately lead to numerous breakdowns, one of which was accompanied by hallucinations. This was still very early in my awareness and at a time when I did not have the language or ability to articulate myself. It wasn't until four years later that I was officially and accurately diagnosed.
I have been on my current treatment regimen for four months and am finally regaining some peace and sanity. It has been a long hard road & I can't fathom how on earth I white knuckled this for ten years. Granted mental illness will get worse the longer it is left untreated. I am not entirely symptom free but my episodes are fewer. This, and my utter refusal to pass this on any further, along with the fact that my current medication is not pregnancy safe, is why I have chosen not to have anymore children. My son saved my life, but I also hit post partum hardcore. There are so many variables and each person is different, but this is a snippet from my story. I hope it helps you feel less alone.
I am so proud of and grateful for the way this thread has blossomed.
Thank you for your input!
@blitheSun94 I also find this an extremely helpful and thoughtful thread. I am so glad you inspired us to think about a lot of this stuff! <3
@ladylazarus1971
Thank you so much for saying so. 😆
I went to see my family doctor a few weeks ago (as I was still waiting for a psych referral) and he says to me " you look much better, are you sure you need to see a doctor " . Yes because I'm not currently crying in your office means that I'm free from mental illness. ..
@Quinzel241
A good day does not promise healing, but progress is noteworthy. I'm proud of you!
@blitheSun94
Thank you!
*Self harm trigger warning* (edited by mentor for sensitive content. @blitheSun94)
This thread is so relateable. I've always been the type of person who just can't share my feelings even if I want to so badly. So whenever I feel the depression coming on I just isolate myself and not talk to anyone until it passes. My friends just assume I'm in my apartment studying or was sleeping the whole day. The other day I was watching a movie with my friend and was wearing long sleeve shirt but it keeps on slipping up. I was watching the movie and did not notice that my wrist was showing when my friend just stops watching stares at me and goes like "do you cut yourself?" The way she said was in such a way that you could see she couldn't believe what she was even saying. I then did not know what to say and just started crying. I try to tell her that I'm bipolar and that cutting myself is the least of my worries but I just can't because even though I didn't tell her about it she told me that she never thought that I was that sensitive and emotional and when I asked her if she never found it weird that I'm always 'happy' and never sad she tells me that everyone just thought that I was way too 'put-together' and didn't get affected by things. I always get high grades, make jokes, have friends, but that doesn't mean I'm not breaking apart on the inside
@FarahQ
I can relate so very much to your story, although I do not present as always happy or functional. In fact, as I grow older I find myself isolating more and more. I predict a shut in future for myself at the thought of how overwhelming life can be with this illness. I am proud of you for your efforts and admire your social participation.
Thank you for sharing. <3
I'm sure I've had a handful of doctors tell me I was faking it because of how I am able to appear "normal". Just because not everyone's mental illness is visible, doesn't mean it isn't present. 
I always thought that amassing a number of hobbies was pretty normal, but when I added learning Italian to my already long list I started questioning myself. I wonder if always being by yourself and engaging in solo activities quite randomly is normal. I guess I only do this to relieve boredom which I feel a great deal but at the same time I don't care much for social activities...do I have a condition?
@blitheSun94
The very first appointment that i ever went to involved the therapist saying to me " Are you sure you are having mental health issues? You don't look crazy." after a few months they said i was high functioning and didn't need treatment at all.
@LeprechaunsandLollies
Wow. Did you find someone else to get treatment from?
@Khiana
I haven't yet. When they all see my file, they either won't help me, or they will for a month or so and then kick me out.
@LeprechaunsandLollies
I am so sorry you are going through that! That is really unprofessional of someone who is supposed to help those who are seeking help!!! I hope you are able to find someone who will provide you with the help that you deserve!
@Quinzel241
Thank you, i hope so too. Until then i am working to help myself using this site 
@LeprechaunsandLollies welcome to my world. Im crazy enough to ruin my life but at least i can put on a show for people
@LeprechaunsandLollies I've had those times too! In my case, it's the psychologists, because I only ever went to them when I'm quite stabilized state. For that reason, I stop trying to go to psychologists and started seeking help from psychiatrists. But I'm too used of it now. Lots of people, even my close friends, say that my life is paper-perfect and that I'm not grateful enough. They just never know what I'd do behind closed doors.