I'm a Veggie

I’m a writer and, as a writer, I like to see my voice be heard. I don’t usually write in this language neither about reality. I write about fiction, and even with that I can put a lot of pain into my characters. But I’d like people to know that I’m the one who’s talking, not them.

If I tell you every aspect of my life, this would turn into a book, and I don’t have patience for writing another one nowadays. What I can tell you is that many things brought me to where I am. Many things brought you to where you are. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Events that shook my world and turned it upside down made significant changes in my life. They took away opportunities and messed up with my plans, my path, my college, my MIND.

At one point, when I wasn’t even 20 yet, I found myself so lost, and it’s so weird to use “found” and “lost” in the same sentence, but it is what it is.

I’m bipolar and borderline. I am always in crisis. I take so many meds I have diarrhea every 45 minutes (I have to sleep with diapers). I’m so broken and yet sometimes happy. Yes, I laugh. But I also cry. A lot. I have no friends – not anymore. I feel so lonely all the time. My doctors say that my meds work and that I shouldn’t be feeling that sad all the time. But I guess I’m not sad because of the symptoms of the diseases. I am grieving the life I used to have, and the opportunities that were taken from me because of trauma and bipolar.

When I was 18, something broke me so hard and I still can’t recover. I’m almost 23. Would you believe me if I told you I don’t remember almost anything that happened? Yet, I still feel the pain, the sorrow, the grief and the shadow of the memory of what happened. I blocked that out of my mind. It was something very usual, that happens to many. It was a heartbreak. And worse things have happened in my life. Yet, this one affected me the most. I don’t remember anything of the relationship except the image of him lied in bed with me, talking. And I remember I felt exultant from all the love and passion I felt for him.

I am smart and talented in many, many ways and things. The world has given me this gift. But I have had enough, and I will continue to have it, I don’t know for how long. I don’t know how life is gonna treat me, but I certainly know my mind will not treat me well.

I am so young, yet so tired. Yes, I’m tired. I’m so, so tired of insomnia, of crying to sleep, of feeling like a failure… because I failed many things after Him. I quit college so I wouldn’t see him anymore. It was too painful. I was getting paranoid over other stuff too, and I thought it was better to quit. It is the biggest regret of my life, because I was not given a second chance by my own self. Yeah, I tried coming back later, but I was too sick, too depressed, too lost. Too lonely. It felt like I had lost a piece of myself.

I guess I did.

I feel so incomplete.

And I never loved again. I tried, but I couldn’t even feel sympathy for those men. I took them to bed once or twice and that was it. I didn’t even know their last name. It didn’t matter to me.

A person can be your biggest trauma. Missing this person can be your biggest sorrow and I am proof of that.

People say ending a relationship hurts, but they get over it. Well, I never did. Why can’t I? Why is it so hard for my mind to forgive and forget (even though I already don’t remember)?

I have so many scars… In my body too, but mostly in my soul.

I feel so uncomfortable with myself. Like I don´t like my presence. I guess I don’t. Not anymore. I’ve become… gray. For someone that was so bright, talented and clever, I’ve become a vegetable – like a beet. I’m still on earth, though, and I still have roots and I grow. I often want to grab my keyboard and play, my ukulele… I often want to sing a song I like… I often want to write a book about a story I made up… but I always fail. I don’t have the guts, the energy, the power to do that. The stories always come sloppy. I give up too easily in learning a new song.

I gave up on myself.

And I am so sorry to the ones that root for me, but they don’t know what it’s like to feel defeated like I do.

I go on with tearless cries and days without showering. I laugh at my favorite series, but that’s it.

I’m too young to say this, but life has lost its color for me.