It Does Happen: Official Diagnosis After a Ten Year Wait
Hey all,
I wanted to share a little message of hope for those of you currently unable or unwilling to seek support for your mental health. My story is not unique. It began many many years ago in the halls of my first psych ward visit at the age of 15. For years and years I have struggled with self injury, mood swings, crippling anxiety and rage, even psychotic symptoms. However, due to being unable to access care or being an unwilling participant in my wellness, I quickly learned to self medicate with drugs and alcohol, as well as, the subsequent attempts to end my suffering that followed.
I am telling you this because I know what it's like when hell has its grip on you and digs its nails in. I know what it's like to feel hopeless in the depths of a torture so unforgiving it changes your personality forever.
This month I began the early stages of therapy and psychiatric intervention. I have received an outpouring of support, as well as, judgment and stigma from those who cant or wont understand how real and disabling these illnesses are- or perhaps were mistreated by someone in the field of mental health personally.
Official Diagnosis:
Mixed Manic Depression
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder
I am writing this because after ten hard dangerous years of white-Knuckling survival, I have not only gained access to care and compassion, but treatment as well.
My heart, for all of you who might not have this same access. But with enough vigilance, with enough strength, with enough support- recovery (or some semblance of thriving better off than you were) is possible.
I have often felt discouraged that it requires antipsychotic medication for me to reach neutral, let alone happy. Although, it simultaneously validates my experience as cruel and unusual, and even in this unsure time, I can now find peace in the answer itself, even if it is disheartening.
So, don't lose hope. Don't lose fight. You are worth it- regardless of the onslaught of opinions you will be force fed along the way.
All my love.
Discuss: Stories of victory after years of doubt at the hands of mental illness.
I too had my first psychotic symptoms around 16. This was in the early 90's I was put on prozac. I stopped eating, started halluncinating and ended up in the psych ward, where they took me off the prozac and I went back to "normal" and they declared me a moody teenager. It took 8 years of self-loathing, abusive relationships, substance abuse, and general self-masochism before I read in the newspaper (yes people still read papers in the late 90's) a search for participants in a new drug for anxiety. I went to the hospital to volunteer. The psychiatrist told me I did in fact have anxiety but did not quality for the study because I had bipolar as well. He directed me to another study on bipolar and depression. I spent a month in the hospital learning about these illnesses I had and the psychiatrists tried to find a drug(s) to stabilize me. It was finally explained to me that antidepressants such as prozac when given to someone with bipolar can create a mania with hallucibations, what had happened to me at 16. In 1998 medications for bipolar where still rudimentary. I spent many years being shuffled from drug to drug. Some turned my mind to slush. Others made me discombobulated. Others made me want food more and sex less. My life hadn't really seemed to improved. From 24 to 34 I attempted to take my life three times. Then a small miracle occurred. I found my current psychiatrist. He has worked with me through pharmaceuticals (eventually we found some that brought me back to neutral) and encouraged meditation, mindfulness, and self-growth. At forty, I can finally say I am at peace with myself most days. It is still a hard road. I spend hours a day in nature and in meditation anchoring myself to the earth. I have found love in a husband and my best friend my dog (Sheltie), Indiana. I am trying to write a novel which captures this journey I've been on to help others who are 16 and scared. I can't tell you it will be easy, but I can tell you that every life has a purpose and you'll never know your divine purpose if you give up know. Try to live in love and not fear. It is my mantra to this day. Live in love and not fear.
@Mysheltieandme
For you, my tears, grace, and gratitude. I so admire your strength of heart and ease of story-telling. I think knowing we are not somehow truly different or lesser is a great message. So many of us with these illnesses experience a state of being so horrifying, most individuals can't imagine or understand how overwhelming the urge is to give up. But it is. And your message holds so much meaning. As mental health continues to make way and awareness, I realize what a wonderful gift this is, especially to individuals suffering in earlier generations. Don't stay silent. ♡
Bump
It has been just over a year since this post and my!- How my quality of life has changed. I am happy to report I am finally healthy and stable in my new life albeit a great deal of blood, sweat, and tears were put into my battle. You get what you put into recovery, a hard truth for the naturally rebellious.
What was 2016 like for you?
@blitheSun94
Let's just say 2016 sucked.
I finally hit my tipping point in July (long story), and sat my GP down long enough to get things moving. At least my GP has some psychiatry training and is willing to manage medication for it until I get settled in with a psychiatrist. Speaking of a psych... it's taken 2 referrals to be accepted as a patient by one here, and now I'm waiting til mid-March for that first appt (unless they get a cancellation before that).
16yrs managing it myself with alcohol and herbals. 6 months of medications... should have done it YEARS ago.
I will say though that the experience with herbals helps me. Medication helps me get to "level", herbals help me be more "normal" from that state.
@Phoenix84
It is so difficult to find the right psych. I have been through quite a few myself. It is a bit like dating. The most important thing to remember is that they work for you and your advocate for yourself. Not the other way around. I hope you find some balance in the new year.
@blitheSun94
It's hard to find the 'right' anything... everyone has personality quirks that may or may not mesh. Experience has told me that it usually takes me 2-3 tries to find the right GP / dentist / opthamologist / physiotherapist / massage therapist / mechanic... I've gotten lucky a few times the first shot though.
It has been about 18 months since this post. In that time I have been on three medications and one in-patient hospitalization. At the one year mark I finally achieved enough strength and coping skills through therapy and self help to change some of my habits and improve my quality of life. For personal reasons, I am tapering off my medications but remain ultimately optimistic about this and the well of knowledge I have received. Medication was never a long term plan for me due to cost, access, and long term physical/cognitive effects. Still, theu provided relief in my time of crisis and enough stand still to learn how to manage my symptoms in a healthy way. I hope to continue to use my story to serve others.
♡